[Time passes. Vash and Wolfwood leave, and Kaveh, despite his clear reluctance to let them go back to their dangerous world, doesn't try and talk them into staying. He sends them off with as many luxuries--edible and otherwise--as they'll accept, and he makes them promise about a thousand times to stay in touch before he sends them on their way. The house is so much quieter without them--back to normal, but with that sense of emptiness that comes from recent change.
Kaveh's mood takes a predictable turn towards melancholy with their departure, though he tries his best to pretend it doesn't. It's for his own sake as much as anything else, really. He'd known, of course, that they weren't here to stay; it's just hard, even now, to watch people leave. Especially loved ones.
So Kaveh does what he always does when he needs a distraction: He throws himself into work. He holes up in his room or vanishes to his studio for long portions of the day, building and designing and engineering and experimenting. Between his work with Nahida, the sharehouse he's working on for the Teyvat transplants, and his own personal clientele, it's perfectly believable that he's busy.
He knows Alhaitham and Vash spoke privately. He's certain of this because he saw the start of it, and he chose to run instead of stepping on Vash's foot, or cutting them off, or otherwise changing the subject. It's possible that the conversation died when he left, but Kaveh finds it highly unlikely. He is, in fact, almost certain that Vash said something to Alhaitham--but guessing what that something is is a completely separate ordeal.
He knows Vash's thoughts on their relationship all too well. And though Kaveh had multiple reasons for all of his deflection and denial, nothing he'd said to Vash about the tattered state of their current relationship was really a lie. Embellished and exaggerated, maybe, but nothing wholly false from his perspective. He and Alhaitham don't get along. This is a fundamental truth of the world.]
Vash had been so confident, is the thing. No matter what Kaveh said, no matter how much he insisted, Vash had stayed adamant in his belief that Alhaitham not only didn't hate him, but has, or had, feelings for him. And... well. If Kaveh's really, truly honest with himself, it's not quite as absurd as he'd made it seem--at least, it wasn't, not back then. But Vash couldn't possibly know that. So how in the world was he so confident in his logic?
(Once or twice, Kaveh had wondered if Vash wasn't trying to subtly redirect him away from Wolfwood, if he'd known all along and Kaveh had failed to keep his feelings under wraps. But he'd dismissed those thoughts as soon as they happened, annoyed at himself for having them in the first place.)
More importantly: At no point during their visit had Vash told him he'd changed his mind. It's possible, Kaveh reasons, that he'd simply not wanted to bring it up--he and Wolfwood were visiting for fun, after all, and they had better things to do than scrutinize Kaveh's relationship with Alhaitham. But it's equally possible that whatever Vash saw in their interactions, he'd reaffirmed his own opinions instead of acknowledging that Kaveh's were right: that there's no saving the two of them, no matter what the past was. Could've been.
Vash is wrong. He's wrong because--because he has to be. But Kaveh lets him leave without ensuring that Vash knows he's wrong, and it festers in the back of Kaveh's mind as a result.
Alhaitham's probably put whatever Vash said to him out of his head. It couldn't have been that bad, he reasons, since they'd both been perfectly fine around each other and around him. Most likely, Alhaitham said exactly the same sorts of things he says to everyone; that Kaveh is a fool who gets himself into more problems than Alhaitham can count, that he wastes his time on useless things and even more useless people, and that he's terrible housemate. Anything beyond that, Kaveh thinks, and Alhaitham probably would've just brushed Vash off and walked away. There's no way he's still dwelling on it like Kaveh is. He's almost certainly moved on.
It's what Kaveh should do. What he's been trying to do, in fact, except that he keeps catching himself doing the exact opposite, and distractedly staring at Alhaitham in the process. So he's done the next best thing: put distance between them by throwing himself into his work.
Today he's been sequestered in his room, drafting up designs for renovations to the Akademiya's south wing. It's a distant project, one Nahida had simply mentioned in passing last time they met, but it's engaging without being frustratingly difficult--perfect for keeping his mind occupied. It's late, now; Kaveh hasn't been watching the time, but he's fairly certain Alhaitham should be in bed, or at least heading there soon. So, carefully, quietly, he peels himself away from his desk and slips out of his room, padding quietly towards the kitchen to make himself some tea.]
[ alhaitham was bracing himself for kaveh's melancholy since he first announced vash and wolfwood's visit to sumeru.
not that their trip wasn't worth the eventual nosedive. by then, kaveh was making slow progress towards something like recovery (not full recovery, never full). through the combined support of nahida, his friends, and a steady flow of amiable clients, alhaitham watched as kaveh found respite in doing what he loved most. message boards and akademiya students boasted about the light of kshahrewar's sudden frenzy of creativity and determination. even when alhaitham made jabs at his recent accolades, he did so only for kaveh to preen and rest in his laurels for once. kaveh's weariness, guilt, and depression were inextricable parts of him, but he can't argue against tangible results, even when they come surprisingly from alhaitham's mouth.
something opened in alhaitham the night that kaveh broke down on him, like a flower slowly unfurling. alhaitham would never treat kaveh like he was made of glass—that would be too demeaning and kaveh would hate it—but his criticisms became blunted and more meticulously delivered. things kaveh mentioned as nice-to-haves would suddenly appear in a cabinet or furnished in a corner of the sitting room. each time alhaitham would go to the kitchen, he would pour cups and prepare plates of food for two, distracting kaveh with something like corrections on deshretian hieroglyphics. whenever kaveh needed to fall apart, alhaitham would be there to collect his pieces.
this is how alhaitham wordlessly manifests things like worry or concern, making them easily excusable or hardly acknowledged. it's the only way kaveh might accept them from someone like him.
when vash and wolfwood visit, kaveh seems closer to his usual self than ever—outwardly confident, light on his feet, loud and fully engaged. objectively, the whole visit is a drain on alhaitham's energy and his funds, but he keeps this fact mostly to himself. there are pockets of time where he genuinely enjoys himself in the strangers' company, but without moments like those, alhaitham's gains outweight his losses. it's worth it to let his eyes linger on kaveh while he shines like the sun, reminiscent of how alhaitham knew him so many years ago.
then vash and wolfwood leave.
suddenly, alhaitham and kaveh can't be in the same room for long before something urgent calls kaveh away. a serendipitous meeting at the tavern quickly ends with kaveh abruptly leaving or inviting someone, anyone else, to join them at their table. even alhaitham's study, which had turned over time into their joint office, is now seemingly off-limits for kaveh alone; after a few days, alhaitham had realized that kaveh's tools and blueprints were being slowly picked off and taken elsewhere. their near-weekly visits to the bazaar for groceries, day-to-day bickering and gossip about kaveh's clients and alhaitham's headaches, and late night debates over wine are more foreign now than they ever were before.
this is beyond kaveh finding coping mechanisms for his trauma and heartache. he knows what it looks like when kaveh avoids him. he'd done so for years, albeit with disdain along with the anxiety. it reminds alhaitham of when vash asked his question and kaveh hightailed it out of the room: you care about him, right?
he thinks about that conversation much more than kaveh realizes, and mostly because kaveh avoided it at all costs. after the conversation, kaveh seemed more stiff and skittish when alone with him, as though one stray thought from alhaitham could make him combust. and why? because vash correctly guessed that alhaitham doesn't hate him? that kaveh continues to believe the opposite with no proof whatsoever? that's not news.
kaveh seems terrified of something else, and maybe it has nothing to do with that conversation at all. alhaitham won't know unless he brings it up first. ]
[ so. you'll never guess who's in the kitchen, pouring tea through a sieve into a porcelain cup. next to him is a plate of peach slices and a small stack of tulumba with crumbled pistachio. he continues with his steady pour but takes a quick glance over his shoulder once kaveh enters through the doorway.
he sees you, kaveh. there's no escape now. ]
Huh. You're alive.
[ (white family voice) well well look who decided to come out of his room ]
[AH...... CAUGHT. Predictably, Kaveh freezes in the doorway, startled--his gaze darts from Alhaitham to the teacup to the plate and back as he tries to decide, very rapidly, what to do.
It's not as though they haven't seen each other at all, of course. Kaveh's never enjoyed being alone, and that's only gotten exponentially worse since his return from the game. He'd dozed off on the divan more nights than not after that first conversation, comforted by waking up to the sound of Alhaitham in the kitchen. Some nights, he'd even slipped out of the house completely, phone in hand--always leaving a note on the table assuring Alhaitham that he'd simply gone to see Nahida, just in case Alhaitham woke up unexpectedly and found the house frighteningly quiet.
Even after he gets in his head about what Vash might or might not have said, Kaveh can't quite bring himself to withdraw completely. He doesn't stay in the house nearly as much as he did before the visit, but he doesn't flee to the desert, either. In fact, he almost always comes back to the house at night, and he alternates between napping on the divan or sleeping with his door partially open. Passing Alhaitham in the hall, brief goodbyes on his way out the door in the morning--that sort of thing isn't enough to drive him away, which is for the best, because that would make the whole thing so much more complicated than it already is.
He does, on occasion, fixate on this or that detail of their interaction after they part--wondering if he imagined Alhaitham studying his face a little too long, worrying that he said something that gave away his preoccupations. But as he buries himself in sketches and calculations, he pushes those thoughts away too. In fact, if Kaveh wasn't avoiding Alhaitham on purpose, he might've even savored the peace for a little while. Might've let himself pretend that maybe they could actually make this work, the way he used to in the beginning, even though it always makes it worse when he's reminded that it never will.
As far as Kaveh's concerned, it's all been going just fine. And really, the strategy of feigning self-assuredness and ignoring his problems has worked(?) for him most of his life, kind of, a little--so he's sure this will work too, given enough time. If he's busy long enough, he'll forget what he was worried about, and then things will go back to... well. Not normal, not after everything--but whatever it was they were working towards before Vash and Wolfwood's visit.
(Fruit and coffee and trinkets and essays. A hand held out from the shoreline.)
This is a wrench in his plans. But Kaveh is nothing if not stubborn and prone to his masks, so he doubles down, striding into the kitchen with (false) confidence. Anyone but Alhaitham likely wouldn't notice him faltering at all. Not that that helps him now, but still.
More's the pity for you, I'm sure, he might've quipped before the game--but he hasn't quite settled back to that point, yet. He'd complained to Vash and Wolfwood about Alhaitham's... Alhaithamness, but things have always been a little different in private.]
Despite the best efforts of some of these calculations, yes. [That part is true. He busies himself with going to the cupboard, even though his mind is racing, trying to assess the situation. Alhaitham's got a snack--does that mean he's staying in the kitchen? Maybe Kaveh would be better off retreating. But if Alhaitham's just taking it into his room, then he'd certainly hear Kaveh sneaking back out a few minutes later...
He opts for an idle tone.] I would've thought you'd be in bed by now.
[ after a few nights of his naps on the divan, kaveh would have woken up with a quilt drawn over his body. if asked, alhaitham would have said that kaveh shouldn't risk getting sick on top of everything else, and alhaitham doesn't want to get sick either. he doesn't give an excuse for how kaveh's feather has been carefully plucked from his hair and laid on the coffee table.
to slip off kaveh's earrings and undo his metal ornamentation would have been too much at once. alhaitham and kaveh were easing towards something more honest, but in alhaitham's mind, dressing him down would have been overstepping. even so, the inclination crops up each time alhaitham busies himself in the kitchen or reads in the sitting room until kaveh falls asleep.
he does this more often than he used to. there's a silent understanding that while kaveh was avoiding him, he didn't want to be alone. someone needed to be there with him, although that person didn't necessarily have to be alhaitham. that's what he tells himself, anyway. kaveh can't be realizing what's always been there, obvious to everyone else but him.
back in the present, he notices that kaveh is forcing his confidence. after setting the tea leaves aside, alhaitham turns around, folds his arms, and leans against the counter to speak with him. ]
I was able to obtain [ read: barter for ] a book annotated hundreds of years ago by one of Madam Faruzan's esteemed colleagues. I've been poring over her notes all evening.
[ which is not necessarily a lie. he diverts the subject to something more important: ]
You've been skimping more often on dinner. It's no wonder that you're searching the cabinets at this time of night.
[Talking with Alhaitham is truly such a roller coaster for his emotions, god. His wariness recedes when Alhaitham mentions his book--something that actually sounds fairly interesting to Kaveh, in fact--only to ramp back up at his second comment. It's just an observation, but it hits like an accusation, and Kaveh feels himself bristling in response.
Before, he might've immediately lashed out, defensive: Since when do you care about things like that? and Well, my insincerest apologies for disturbing you and If it bothers you so much I'll just buy my own groceries, that sort of thing. It's such a familiar response that he can feel the words in his throat. But... it feels a little too harsh to do, after all of Alhaitham's fussing. Kaveh isn't so blind that he's missed every kind gesture, every show of patience and accommodation from Alhaitham. It makes his skin crawl with guilt as it always does, but it also warms his heart more than he ever allowed before. After eight weeks of hell, Kaveh's learned a thing or two about allowing care without complaint, even if he still strives to be someone who doesn't make others worry in the first place. He's remembered the dangers of parting on harsh notes, and he's learned what it's like to leave things irreversibly unsaid.
Besides, if he's too sharp, it'll give away that something's been bothering him. He's trying not to do that.]
I've been busy. [On purpose, sure, but it's not a lie.] Why, are you going to scold me for letting food spoil?
[Okay listen he can't be that soft about it. They wouldn't be themselves if they didn't snipe at each other in small ways too.]
[ alhaitham is as stoic as ever in the face of kaveh's bristling. alhaitham's verbiage can be abrasive and sometimes unforgiving, but to him, his comment is much less harsh than it could be if it wasn't bred out of concern.
he glances back at the counter and edges the plate of food towards kaveh with the side of his finger. ]
Since you're already here, you may as well take this.
[It's not the response he was prepared for, and Kaveh blinks, thrown off once again. He glances down at the plate, then back at Alhaitham, uncertain. It's POISONED (no)]
Isn't that for you? [??? Surely Alhaitham wouldn't mess up his sleep schedule just to make him a snack, would he? It's not like he never brought Kaveh food before the game, and he's certainly done it more often since Kaveh's return, but...]
[ it would be easy to fall back into the habit of making kaveh more comfortable with his gestures. alhaitham just needs to cycle through his usual responses: Yes, but you need it more than me. Yes, but I already had some and this is what's left. Yes, but I glanced over an application I mistakenly brought home and lost my appetite.
white lie after white lie. it reminds him of vash again. At most, I'd try to reassure Kaveh with what's the truth, in the case that he misinterprets or misconstrues something... I don't want him to become anxious or worried about things that aren't true.
alhaitham had been in the sitting room since dinnertime, waiting for kaveh to make his bed on the divan or come to the kitchen for a nightly break. as the evening rolled on with no sign of his roommate, alhaitham went into the kitchen to keep from nodding off. if kaveh wouldn't leave his room, alhaitham would go to him instead. it would be better than sacrificing more of his evening for something that may not come. (regardless of how the conversation went—and alhaitham braced himself for it to go south quickly—kaveh needed to eat more anyway.) the fact that they met in the kitchen first was pure coincidence.
alhaitham tries not to glare at kaveh's unsure face-ing. ]
No, it isn't.
[ as always, it's to keep you from collapsing over your work.
he bites his tongue. he knows that's not the only reason why he brings kaveh cuts of fruit and cups of tea in the evening. ]
[Oh. Well now he feels a little bad. An apology rises to his lips, but he lets it die, knowing Alhaitham wouldn't want to hear it anyway.]
Well--thank you. [He pauses, looking a little awkward, like he wants to add some other quip, some remark that's as sharp as it is playful--but he's been so focused on avoiding Alhaitham that he can't think of anything.
Rejecting it would be rude, and truthfully, Kaveh is hungry. If he makes the coffee in the morning, maybe it'll balance out? That should be fine, he thinks. He should start pulling his weight around the house again anyway--he hasn't been doing nearly enough. Maybe that's what this is about.
He reaches out to take the plate, then stands quietly for a moment. Erm.]
...Good night, then. [B...bye?? He's just. Going to take this to his room if Alhaitham doesn't stop him from leaving.]
Why would I do something like that? [Wait fuck that's an opening. QUICK TURN THE TABLES.] Have you done something I should be avoiding you for? [There that's better]
[ alhaitham inclines his head, sharpening his gaze. kaveh is dodging this conversation like his life depends on it, and it might work on anyone that isn't alhaitham. (it makes sense that he does so by inciting more arguments. they both lose all sense of decorum that way, and it's easy to suddenly leave in a huff.)
but this carries much more weight. in the same vein as kaveh feels about these past few months—about them, what they were building before it crumbled—alhaitham had that same, mild semblance of hope. kaveh accepted alhaitham's meticulous displays of care and concern and even sought after him in silent ways, sleeping where he could hear him, thanking him where he might have abruptly snapped back. they could be something not wholly different but more than what they ever have been.
his grip on that hope gradually slipped after wolfwood and vash left. not entirely, but enough for alhaitham to tighten his hold to keep it from leaving him altogether. (maybe it wouldn't, but he can't be sure. he'd lost kaveh once before.) ]
Only you would have that answer. [ he gestures out with his hand. ] Although if it were that simple, I'm sure you would have admonished me for it directly by now. As it is, you can't stand to talk with me for more than a minute at a time, if that.
[Kaveh never knows what to do with himself when Alhaitham doesn't pick up his thrown gauntlets. He knows how to bicker, to argue, to push buttons and get his own pushed in return. He does not, has never, known what to do when Alhaitham cuts through the shroud of their verbal spars and lays the issue bare.
Rather... what he wants to do wars with what he know he should do. What he wants to do is run. Even now, he shifts, uncomfortable, the urge to get away building up inside him. He wants Alhaitham to have never started this conversation. Couldn't he have simply let Kaveh work through things on his own? Surely Kaveh's behavior wasn't that disruptive. If anything, shouldn't Alhaitham be grateful that Kaveh's been minding his own business? The harder Kaveh works, the faster he can move out, and the sooner Alhaitham will have his peace and quiet. They can go back to the way things were before Kaveh ruined his own life. Even if things were getting better between them, that is still the ultimate goal. It's what Alhaitham wants, surely. It's what Kaveh wants. Probably.
Part of him wants to be resentful. He hates being exposed, and Alhaitham knows it. But the thought doesn't linger, and shame washes over him as soon as it's gone. Alhaitham's only asking after his well-being, and god knows he's given Alhaitham enough reasons to worry about that--not just upon his return, but throughout their entire lives. He knows Alhaitham cares, even though it's in his own way and for his own reasons. It's not Alhaitham's fault that Kaveh can't get Vash's insane suggestions out of his head.]
That's not true. [But he mumbles it, and he avoids Alhaitham's gaze. He looks down at his plate, so meticulously and thoughtfully prepared, and sighs. Be honest, Kaveh.] ...I'm sorry. You didn't do anything. I've just--been a little distracted lately.
[Much closer to the truth, but still comfortable. He can handle that much.]
[ even if alhaitham was being hyperbolic, it got the desired results. that's more important.
kaveh deflates in front of him, like a kite spun by an errant wind. his sighs and softened tone are indicators that kaveh is being genuine with him, like he's exhausted all other options but to tell the truth. it's how conversations usually end when alhaitham wins the argument.
but this isn't a win, just like it isn't an argument. this is alhaitham imploring kaveh for answers in the only way that (he thinks) will work. there's no guarantee that kinder, milder gestures work just as well, even if he's inclined to do them.
alhaitham stays quiet for a moment, lifting his chin and softening his glare. his arms stay crossed even as he slackens his shoulders. ]
You've been acting this way since Vash and Wolfwood left for home. [ he'll tries to give kaveh the benefit of the doubt, even if his avoidance feels pointedly about him. maybe kaveh was reminded of something, or he's fearful of alhaitham's mortality all over again? ] If something happened, I won't know unless you tell me.
[Whether or not it will work... well. Even Kaveh couldn't answer that, were he so inclined to try. But he's staying, for now, which is something. He'll even take a seat at the table with his plate, still feeling a little chastised.
It's not that easy, though. He shakes his head.]
It's nothing. You don't need to worry about it. [That, too, is true--at least, it's what Kaveh believes is true. Never mind that Alhaitham softens, something Kaveh knows he very rarely does for anyone else--it's only because Kaveh's been so exhaustingly fragile since his return. And forget about the fact that he's gone out of his way to check in with him--it's only because Alhaitham likes to cut to the chase and minimize annoyances. If Kaveh thinks about it long enough, everything that catches his attention lately can be attributed to normal Alhaitham behavior. That means Vash is wrong, and that means there's nothing for Alhaitham to worry about; Kaveh will get over it. Easy.]
[ it's nothing, kaveh says, when it's (checks notes) actually everything. it's obvious that his thoughts are churning as he takes a seat at the table. a moment passes before alhaitham pushes from the counter and slides into the seat beside him.
above all, alhaitham is a researcher. he pursues the truth relentlessly, endlessly seeks answers to his questions, and contemplates those which have no answers at all. once, despite their polarizing philosophies, he believed he understood kaveh to the fullest extent that a friend possibly could. he only realized his misconception the day when their thesis was torn to shreds.
kaveh is one of those unanswerable questions. humans are malleable, shaped by their experiences and the people they meet, and kaveh has been through countless traumas. alhaitham won't always know what's on his mind, no matter how deeply he wants to. the only thing he can do is ask and understand. ]
You're right. I don't need to. I'm choosing to.
[ he cranes his head, trying to search kaveh's face or meet his eye. again, his gaze isn't sharp or admonishing, only gently inquisitive. he knows that the answer is difficult, whatever it may be. he wants kaveh to trust him with it. ]
If you don't want to tell me, I'll respect your decision. ...But if you decide that you want to, I'm here.
[If it were anything else, anything at all, Kaveh would take him up on that. He would relent and pour out his heart, the way he's only ever been able to do with Alhaitham. He constantly judges and criticizes me, Kaveh will complain to others, and it's true from his perspective--but at the same time, he trusts Alhaitham with parts of himself that he can't show anyone else. Alhaitham is, and always has been, honest and true to himself above all else. For all that his attitude causes them to clash, it's something Kaveh respects and relies on, too.
About this, though...? He can just imagine it. Oh, really, it's nothing. Vash just refused to listen when I explained how incompatible we are. He was convinced you have feelings, can you imagine? For me! And Alhaitham would roll his eyes, would say something like, Of course you would work yourself up over pointless impossibilities or This is what happens when you keep company as ridiculous as you. Let me guess, he also told you that you're a good person who is capable of making a difference in the world, instead of some scatterbrained do-gooder who thinks drowning himself under a flood of others' problems is an effective method of change?
--Okay, fine, maybe he wouldn't say that. Not tonight, at least, when he's chosen to sit close, to offer his time and his attention and his patience. But still. There's no point in Kaveh laying out something he already knows is nonsense purely for Alhaitham's confirmation. (And if it makes his heart ache, his stomach twist, to think of Alhaitham laughing in his face at the very suggestion of them--well. If he doesn't mention it, he doesn't need to think about that.)
Still, he can't leave Alhaitham hanging like this. It's so hard to put his gratitude into words, but it warms him every time Alhaitham opens the door for him. It's a reminder that Alhaitham really does get something out of keeping him around--that despite all the problems Kaveh brings into his life, for now, Alhaitham still thinks the benefits outweigh the costs. That he might even hold some small sense of nostalgia for those golden days of the past.
God, he's really done nothing for Alhaitham lately, has he. He needs to fix that. He'll worry about that another day.
He glances at Alhaitham, and his expression softens at what he sees. Gently, he reaches out to take Alhaitham's hand, and he squeezes it once, reassuring.]
It's--not anything serious. [It doesn't feel quite right to say it's not important. Kaveh's being stupid, but he still cares about their relationship.] Vash says ridiculous things sometimes, that's all.
[ they've held hands more lately. that avenue opened once kaveh returned from the game, as if he'd broken some threshold of resilience between him and the people closest to him. suddenly there were bigger hugs, shoulder squeezes, linked arms while traversing the bazaar or attending a show, and not just with alhaitham. nilou, dehya, candace, tighnari, cyno, collei, others—all of them commented on the shift after they spent time alone with kaveh, to which alhaitham replied with only a shrug.
obviously, they haven't engaged in gestures like this since vash and wolfwood left for home. even in the brief moments that they shared the same air, alhaitham would avoid instigating anything, both out of respect for kaveh's space and an understanding that holding kaveh's hand is a privilege granted to many others. he had no right to chase it.
alhaitham watches at kaveh's hand like a small bird drifted down to perch on his knuckles. he slowly turns his hand over and curls it around kaveh's, folding his thumb over the backs of his fingers. he ignores the small leap in his pulse.
there's no deeper meaning to this, he reminds himself. even so, he'll never get used to it. that isn't such a bad thing. ]
I remember. You ran off when he asked me if I cared about you. [ his eyes flicker back up to kaveh. good job giving him your hand. now you're stuck. (not really) ] He told me that you still have hurt feelings from one of our arguments, and you also think that I hate you.
[ it's not necessarily news, but alhaitham's just dropping facts. ]
[Kaveh realizes he's || this close to being trapped here and dives out the nearest window like Papyrus in Undertale (no)
He does makes a sour expression, though.]
I didn't run off. [He doesn't remember the excuse he gave, though, so he'll... be... halfway honest--] I just didn't want to encourage him. Trying to get him to listen on this matter is an exercise in futility.
[It's almost like Kaveh and Vash are the same person
...
Also he puffs up, offended, like an idiot.]
What "hurt feelings"--I'm not a child! Ugh, this is exactly why I gave up trying to explain anything to him at all.
[As for the last--well. Yeah. He doesn't address it, because he doesn't think it needs to be discussed. Maybe it's hyperbolic, but he doesn't think the fundamental principle is incorrect: They are incompatible personalities, and they will both be happier when they can go their separate ways again. If Vash still thinks otherwise, it is only because he refuses to see the truth.]
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1/2
Kaveh's mood takes a predictable turn towards melancholy with their departure, though he tries his best to pretend it doesn't. It's for his own sake as much as anything else, really. He'd known, of course, that they weren't here to stay; it's just hard, even now, to watch people leave. Especially loved ones.
So Kaveh does what he always does when he needs a distraction: He throws himself into work. He holes up in his room or vanishes to his studio for long portions of the day, building and designing and engineering and experimenting. Between his work with Nahida, the sharehouse he's working on for the Teyvat transplants, and his own personal clientele, it's perfectly believable that he's busy.
It's just that... well. Okay, sure, maybe, maybe he's kind of, sort of... avoiding Alhaitham.
He knows Alhaitham and Vash spoke privately. He's certain of this because he saw the start of it, and he chose to run instead of stepping on Vash's foot, or cutting them off, or otherwise changing the subject. It's possible that the conversation died when he left, but Kaveh finds it highly unlikely. He is, in fact, almost certain that Vash said something to Alhaitham--but guessing what that something is is a completely separate ordeal.
He knows Vash's thoughts on their relationship all too well. And though Kaveh had multiple reasons for all of his deflection and denial, nothing he'd said to Vash about the tattered state of their current relationship was really a lie. Embellished and exaggerated, maybe, but nothing wholly false from his perspective. He and Alhaitham don't get along. This is a fundamental truth of the world.]
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Vash had been so confident, is the thing. No matter what Kaveh said, no matter how much he insisted, Vash had stayed adamant in his belief that Alhaitham not only didn't hate him, but has, or had, feelings for him. And... well. If Kaveh's really, truly honest with himself, it's not quite as absurd as he'd made it seem--at least, it wasn't, not back then. But Vash couldn't possibly know that. So how in the world was he so confident in his logic?
(Once or twice, Kaveh had wondered if Vash wasn't trying to subtly redirect him away from Wolfwood, if he'd known all along and Kaveh had failed to keep his feelings under wraps. But he'd dismissed those thoughts as soon as they happened, annoyed at himself for having them in the first place.)
More importantly: At no point during their visit had Vash told him he'd changed his mind. It's possible, Kaveh reasons, that he'd simply not wanted to bring it up--he and Wolfwood were visiting for fun, after all, and they had better things to do than scrutinize Kaveh's relationship with Alhaitham. But it's equally possible that whatever Vash saw in their interactions, he'd reaffirmed his own opinions instead of acknowledging that Kaveh's were right: that there's no saving the two of them, no matter what the past was. Could've been.
Vash is wrong. He's wrong because--because he has to be. But Kaveh lets him leave without ensuring that Vash knows he's wrong, and it festers in the back of Kaveh's mind as a result.
Alhaitham's probably put whatever Vash said to him out of his head. It couldn't have been that bad, he reasons, since they'd both been perfectly fine around each other and around him. Most likely, Alhaitham said exactly the same sorts of things he says to everyone; that Kaveh is a fool who gets himself into more problems than Alhaitham can count, that he wastes his time on useless things and even more useless people, and that he's terrible housemate. Anything beyond that, Kaveh thinks, and Alhaitham probably would've just brushed Vash off and walked away. There's no way he's still dwelling on it like Kaveh is. He's almost certainly moved on.
It's what Kaveh should do. What he's been trying to do, in fact, except that he keeps catching himself doing the exact opposite, and distractedly staring at Alhaitham in the process. So he's done the next best thing: put distance between them by throwing himself into his work.
Today he's been sequestered in his room, drafting up designs for renovations to the Akademiya's south wing. It's a distant project, one Nahida had simply mentioned in passing last time they met, but it's engaging without being frustratingly difficult--perfect for keeping his mind occupied. It's late, now; Kaveh hasn't been watching the time, but he's fairly certain Alhaitham should be in bed, or at least heading there soon. So, carefully, quietly, he peels himself away from his desk and slips out of his room, padding quietly towards the kitchen to make himself some tea.]
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not that their trip wasn't worth the eventual nosedive. by then, kaveh was making slow progress towards something like recovery (not full recovery, never full). through the combined support of nahida, his friends, and a steady flow of amiable clients, alhaitham watched as kaveh found respite in doing what he loved most. message boards and akademiya students boasted about the light of kshahrewar's sudden frenzy of creativity and determination. even when alhaitham made jabs at his recent accolades, he did so only for kaveh to preen and rest in his laurels for once. kaveh's weariness, guilt, and depression were inextricable parts of him, but he can't argue against tangible results, even when they come surprisingly from alhaitham's mouth.
something opened in alhaitham the night that kaveh broke down on him, like a flower slowly unfurling. alhaitham would never treat kaveh like he was made of glass—that would be too demeaning and kaveh would hate it—but his criticisms became blunted and more meticulously delivered. things kaveh mentioned as nice-to-haves would suddenly appear in a cabinet or furnished in a corner of the sitting room. each time alhaitham would go to the kitchen, he would pour cups and prepare plates of food for two, distracting kaveh with something like corrections on deshretian hieroglyphics. whenever kaveh needed to fall apart, alhaitham would be there to collect his pieces.
this is how alhaitham wordlessly manifests things like worry or concern, making them easily excusable or hardly acknowledged. it's the only way kaveh might accept them from someone like him.
when vash and wolfwood visit, kaveh seems closer to his usual self than ever—outwardly confident, light on his feet, loud and fully engaged. objectively, the whole visit is a drain on alhaitham's energy and his funds, but he keeps this fact mostly to himself. there are pockets of time where he genuinely enjoys himself in the strangers' company, but without moments like those, alhaitham's gains outweight his losses. it's worth it to let his eyes linger on kaveh while he shines like the sun, reminiscent of how alhaitham knew him so many years ago.
then vash and wolfwood leave.
suddenly, alhaitham and kaveh can't be in the same room for long before something urgent calls kaveh away. a serendipitous meeting at the tavern quickly ends with kaveh abruptly leaving or inviting someone, anyone else, to join them at their table. even alhaitham's study, which had turned over time into their joint office, is now seemingly off-limits for kaveh alone; after a few days, alhaitham had realized that kaveh's tools and blueprints were being slowly picked off and taken elsewhere. their near-weekly visits to the bazaar for groceries, day-to-day bickering and gossip about kaveh's clients and alhaitham's headaches, and late night debates over wine are more foreign now than they ever were before.
this is beyond kaveh finding coping mechanisms for his trauma and heartache. he knows what it looks like when kaveh avoids him. he'd done so for years, albeit with disdain along with the anxiety. it reminds alhaitham of when vash asked his question and kaveh hightailed it out of the room: you care about him, right?
he thinks about that conversation much more than kaveh realizes, and mostly because kaveh avoided it at all costs. after the conversation, kaveh seemed more stiff and skittish when alone with him, as though one stray thought from alhaitham could make him combust. and why? because vash correctly guessed that alhaitham doesn't hate him? that kaveh continues to believe the opposite with no proof whatsoever? that's not news.
kaveh seems terrified of something else, and maybe it has nothing to do with that conversation at all. alhaitham won't know unless he brings it up first. ]
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he sees you, kaveh. there's no escape now. ]
Huh. You're alive.
[ (white family voice) well well look who decided to come out of his room ]
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It's not as though they haven't seen each other at all, of course. Kaveh's never enjoyed being alone, and that's only gotten exponentially worse since his return from the game. He'd dozed off on the divan more nights than not after that first conversation, comforted by waking up to the sound of Alhaitham in the kitchen. Some nights, he'd even slipped out of the house completely, phone in hand--always leaving a note on the table assuring Alhaitham that he'd simply gone to see Nahida, just in case Alhaitham woke up unexpectedly and found the house frighteningly quiet.
Even after he gets in his head about what Vash might or might not have said, Kaveh can't quite bring himself to withdraw completely. He doesn't stay in the house nearly as much as he did before the visit, but he doesn't flee to the desert, either. In fact, he almost always comes back to the house at night, and he alternates between napping on the divan or sleeping with his door partially open. Passing Alhaitham in the hall, brief goodbyes on his way out the door in the morning--that sort of thing isn't enough to drive him away, which is for the best, because that would make the whole thing so much more complicated than it already is.
He does, on occasion, fixate on this or that detail of their interaction after they part--wondering if he imagined Alhaitham studying his face a little too long, worrying that he said something that gave away his preoccupations. But as he buries himself in sketches and calculations, he pushes those thoughts away too. In fact, if Kaveh wasn't avoiding Alhaitham on purpose, he might've even savored the peace for a little while. Might've let himself pretend that maybe they could actually make this work, the way he used to in the beginning, even though it always makes it worse when he's reminded that it never will.
As far as Kaveh's concerned, it's all been going just fine. And really, the strategy of feigning self-assuredness and ignoring his problems has worked(?) for him most of his life, kind of, a little--so he's sure this will work too, given enough time. If he's busy long enough, he'll forget what he was worried about, and then things will go back to... well. Not normal, not after everything--but whatever it was they were working towards before Vash and Wolfwood's visit.
(Fruit and coffee and trinkets and essays. A hand held out from the shoreline.)
This is a wrench in his plans. But Kaveh is nothing if not stubborn and prone to his masks, so he doubles down, striding into the kitchen with (false) confidence. Anyone but Alhaitham likely wouldn't notice him faltering at all. Not that that helps him now, but still.
More's the pity for you, I'm sure, he might've quipped before the game--but he hasn't quite settled back to that point, yet. He'd complained to Vash and Wolfwood about Alhaitham's... Alhaithamness, but things have always been a little different in private.]
Despite the best efforts of some of these calculations, yes. [That part is true. He busies himself with going to the cupboard, even though his mind is racing, trying to assess the situation. Alhaitham's got a snack--does that mean he's staying in the kitchen? Maybe Kaveh would be better off retreating. But if Alhaitham's just taking it into his room, then he'd certainly hear Kaveh sneaking back out a few minutes later...
He opts for an idle tone.] I would've thought you'd be in bed by now.
[WHY ARE YOU HERE.]
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to slip off kaveh's earrings and undo his metal ornamentation would have been too much at once. alhaitham and kaveh were easing towards something more honest, but in alhaitham's mind, dressing him down would have been overstepping. even so, the inclination crops up each time alhaitham busies himself in the kitchen or reads in the sitting room until kaveh falls asleep.
he does this more often than he used to. there's a silent understanding that while kaveh was avoiding him, he didn't want to be alone. someone needed to be there with him, although that person didn't necessarily have to be alhaitham. that's what he tells himself, anyway. kaveh can't be realizing what's always been there, obvious to everyone else but him.
back in the present, he notices that kaveh is forcing his confidence. after setting the tea leaves aside, alhaitham turns around, folds his arms, and leans against the counter to speak with him. ]
I was able to obtain [ read: barter for ] a book annotated hundreds of years ago by one of Madam Faruzan's esteemed colleagues. I've been poring over her notes all evening.
[ which is not necessarily a lie. he diverts the subject to something more important: ]
You've been skimping more often on dinner. It's no wonder that you're searching the cabinets at this time of night.
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Before, he might've immediately lashed out, defensive: Since when do you care about things like that? and Well, my insincerest apologies for disturbing you and If it bothers you so much I'll just buy my own groceries, that sort of thing. It's such a familiar response that he can feel the words in his throat. But... it feels a little too harsh to do, after all of Alhaitham's fussing. Kaveh isn't so blind that he's missed every kind gesture, every show of patience and accommodation from Alhaitham. It makes his skin crawl with guilt as it always does, but it also warms his heart more than he ever allowed before. After eight weeks of hell, Kaveh's learned a thing or two about allowing care without complaint, even if he still strives to be someone who doesn't make others worry in the first place. He's remembered the dangers of parting on harsh notes, and he's learned what it's like to leave things irreversibly unsaid.
Besides, if he's too sharp, it'll give away that something's been bothering him. He's trying not to do that.]
I've been busy. [On purpose, sure, but it's not a lie.] Why, are you going to scold me for letting food spoil?
[Okay listen he can't be that soft about it. They wouldn't be themselves if they didn't snipe at each other in small ways too.]
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he glances back at the counter and edges the plate of food towards kaveh with the side of his finger. ]
Since you're already here, you may as well take this.
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Isn't that for you? [??? Surely Alhaitham wouldn't mess up his sleep schedule just to make him a snack, would he? It's not like he never brought Kaveh food before the game, and he's certainly done it more often since Kaveh's return, but...]
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white lie after white lie. it reminds him of vash again. At most, I'd try to reassure Kaveh with what's the truth, in the case that he misinterprets or misconstrues something... I don't want him to become anxious or worried about things that aren't true.
alhaitham had been in the sitting room since dinnertime, waiting for kaveh to make his bed on the divan or come to the kitchen for a nightly break. as the evening rolled on with no sign of his roommate, alhaitham went into the kitchen to keep from nodding off. if kaveh wouldn't leave his room, alhaitham would go to him instead. it would be better than sacrificing more of his evening for something that may not come. (regardless of how the conversation went—and alhaitham braced himself for it to go south quickly—kaveh needed to eat more anyway.) the fact that they met in the kitchen first was pure coincidence.
alhaitham tries not to glare at kaveh's unsure face-ing. ]
No, it isn't.
[ as always, it's to keep you from collapsing over your work.
he bites his tongue. he knows that's not the only reason why he brings kaveh cuts of fruit and cups of tea in the evening. ]
And it won't hurt you.
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Well--thank you. [He pauses, looking a little awkward, like he wants to add some other quip, some remark that's as sharp as it is playful--but he's been so focused on avoiding Alhaitham that he can't think of anything.
Rejecting it would be rude, and truthfully, Kaveh is hungry. If he makes the coffee in the morning, maybe it'll balance out? That should be fine, he thinks. He should start pulling his weight around the house again anyway--he hasn't been doing nearly enough. Maybe that's what this is about.
He reaches out to take the plate, then stands quietly for a moment. Erm.]
...Good night, then. [B...bye?? He's just. Going to take this to his room if Alhaitham doesn't stop him from leaving.]
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Before you leave, I want to know why you've been avoiding me.
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TRIPLES DOWN]
What? That's ridiculous. I'm right here, aren't I?
["could a person who's avoiding you do THIS"]
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Only because I stopped you from leaving just now.
[ he narrows his eyes. ]
You also came in here because you thought I'd be asleep by now. Am I wrong?
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Why would I do something like that? [Wait fuck that's an opening. QUICK TURN THE TABLES.] Have you done something I should be avoiding you for? [There that's better]
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but this carries much more weight. in the same vein as kaveh feels about these past few months—about them, what they were building before it crumbled—alhaitham had that same, mild semblance of hope. kaveh accepted alhaitham's meticulous displays of care and concern and even sought after him in silent ways, sleeping where he could hear him, thanking him where he might have abruptly snapped back. they could be something not wholly different but more than what they ever have been.
his grip on that hope gradually slipped after wolfwood and vash left. not entirely, but enough for alhaitham to tighten his hold to keep it from leaving him altogether. (maybe it wouldn't, but he can't be sure. he'd lost kaveh once before.) ]
Only you would have that answer. [ he gestures out with his hand. ] Although if it were that simple, I'm sure you would have admonished me for it directly by now. As it is, you can't stand to talk with me for more than a minute at a time, if that.
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Rather... what he wants to do wars with what he know he should do. What he wants to do is run. Even now, he shifts, uncomfortable, the urge to get away building up inside him. He wants Alhaitham to have never started this conversation. Couldn't he have simply let Kaveh work through things on his own? Surely Kaveh's behavior wasn't that disruptive. If anything, shouldn't Alhaitham be grateful that Kaveh's been minding his own business? The harder Kaveh works, the faster he can move out, and the sooner Alhaitham will have his peace and quiet. They can go back to the way things were before Kaveh ruined his own life. Even if things were getting better between them, that is still the ultimate goal. It's what Alhaitham wants, surely. It's what Kaveh wants. Probably.
Part of him wants to be resentful. He hates being exposed, and Alhaitham knows it. But the thought doesn't linger, and shame washes over him as soon as it's gone. Alhaitham's only asking after his well-being, and god knows he's given Alhaitham enough reasons to worry about that--not just upon his return, but throughout their entire lives. He knows Alhaitham cares, even though it's in his own way and for his own reasons. It's not Alhaitham's fault that Kaveh can't get Vash's insane suggestions out of his head.]
That's not true. [But he mumbles it, and he avoids Alhaitham's gaze. He looks down at his plate, so meticulously and thoughtfully prepared, and sighs. Be honest, Kaveh.] ...I'm sorry. You didn't do anything. I've just--been a little distracted lately.
[Much closer to the truth, but still comfortable. He can handle that much.]
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kaveh deflates in front of him, like a kite spun by an errant wind. his sighs and softened tone are indicators that kaveh is being genuine with him, like he's exhausted all other options but to tell the truth. it's how conversations usually end when alhaitham wins the argument.
but this isn't a win, just like it isn't an argument. this is alhaitham imploring kaveh for answers in the only way that (he thinks) will work. there's no guarantee that kinder, milder gestures work just as well, even if he's inclined to do them.
alhaitham stays quiet for a moment, lifting his chin and softening his glare. his arms stay crossed even as he slackens his shoulders. ]
You've been acting this way since Vash and Wolfwood left for home. [ he'll tries to give kaveh the benefit of the doubt, even if his avoidance feels pointedly about him. maybe kaveh was reminded of something, or he's fearful of alhaitham's mortality all over again? ] If something happened, I won't know unless you tell me.
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It's not that easy, though. He shakes his head.]
It's nothing. You don't need to worry about it. [That, too, is true--at least, it's what Kaveh believes is true. Never mind that Alhaitham softens, something Kaveh knows he very rarely does for anyone else--it's only because Kaveh's been so exhaustingly fragile since his return. And forget about the fact that he's gone out of his way to check in with him--it's only because Alhaitham likes to cut to the chase and minimize annoyances. If Kaveh thinks about it long enough, everything that catches his attention lately can be attributed to normal Alhaitham behavior. That means Vash is wrong, and that means there's nothing for Alhaitham to worry about; Kaveh will get over it. Easy.]
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above all, alhaitham is a researcher. he pursues the truth relentlessly, endlessly seeks answers to his questions, and contemplates those which have no answers at all. once, despite their polarizing philosophies, he believed he understood kaveh to the fullest extent that a friend possibly could. he only realized his misconception the day when their thesis was torn to shreds.
kaveh is one of those unanswerable questions. humans are malleable, shaped by their experiences and the people they meet, and kaveh has been through countless traumas. alhaitham won't always know what's on his mind, no matter how deeply he wants to. the only thing he can do is ask and understand. ]
You're right. I don't need to. I'm choosing to.
[ he cranes his head, trying to search kaveh's face or meet his eye. again, his gaze isn't sharp or admonishing, only gently inquisitive. he knows that the answer is difficult, whatever it may be. he wants kaveh to trust him with it. ]
If you don't want to tell me, I'll respect your decision. ...But if you decide that you want to, I'm here.
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About this, though...? He can just imagine it. Oh, really, it's nothing. Vash just refused to listen when I explained how incompatible we are. He was convinced you have feelings, can you imagine? For me! And Alhaitham would roll his eyes, would say something like, Of course you would work yourself up over pointless impossibilities or This is what happens when you keep company as ridiculous as you. Let me guess, he also told you that you're a good person who is capable of making a difference in the world, instead of some scatterbrained do-gooder who thinks drowning himself under a flood of others' problems is an effective method of change?
--Okay, fine, maybe he wouldn't say that. Not tonight, at least, when he's chosen to sit close, to offer his time and his attention and his patience. But still. There's no point in Kaveh laying out something he already knows is nonsense purely for Alhaitham's confirmation. (And if it makes his heart ache, his stomach twist, to think of Alhaitham laughing in his face at the very suggestion of them--well. If he doesn't mention it, he doesn't need to think about that.)
Still, he can't leave Alhaitham hanging like this. It's so hard to put his gratitude into words, but it warms him every time Alhaitham opens the door for him. It's a reminder that Alhaitham really does get something out of keeping him around--that despite all the problems Kaveh brings into his life, for now, Alhaitham still thinks the benefits outweigh the costs. That he might even hold some small sense of nostalgia for those golden days of the past.
God, he's really done nothing for Alhaitham lately, has he. He needs to fix that. He'll worry about that another day.
He glances at Alhaitham, and his expression softens at what he sees. Gently, he reaches out to take Alhaitham's hand, and he squeezes it once, reassuring.]
It's--not anything serious. [It doesn't feel quite right to say it's not important. Kaveh's being stupid, but he still cares about their relationship.] Vash says ridiculous things sometimes, that's all.
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obviously, they haven't engaged in gestures like this since vash and wolfwood left for home. even in the brief moments that they shared the same air, alhaitham would avoid instigating anything, both out of respect for kaveh's space and an understanding that holding kaveh's hand is a privilege granted to many others. he had no right to chase it.
alhaitham watches at kaveh's hand like a small bird drifted down to perch on his knuckles. he slowly turns his hand over and curls it around kaveh's, folding his thumb over the backs of his fingers. he ignores the small leap in his pulse.
there's no deeper meaning to this, he reminds himself. even so, he'll never get used to it. that isn't such a bad thing. ]
I remember. You ran off when he asked me if I cared about you. [ his eyes flicker back up to kaveh. good job giving him your hand. now you're stuck. (not really) ] He told me that you still have hurt feelings from one of our arguments, and you also think that I hate you.
[ it's not necessarily news, but alhaitham's just dropping facts. ]
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He does makes a sour expression, though.]
I didn't run off. [He doesn't remember the excuse he gave, though, so he'll... be... halfway honest--] I just didn't want to encourage him. Trying to get him to listen on this matter is an exercise in futility.
[It's almost like Kaveh and Vash are the same person
...
Also he puffs up, offended, like an idiot.]
What "hurt feelings"--I'm not a child! Ugh, this is exactly why I gave up trying to explain anything to him at all.
[As for the last--well. Yeah. He doesn't address it, because he doesn't think it needs to be discussed. Maybe it's hyperbolic, but he doesn't think the fundamental principle is incorrect: They are incompatible personalities, and they will both be happier when they can go their separate ways again. If Vash still thinks otherwise, it is only because he refuses to see the truth.]
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anyway, snaps fingers in front of kaveh's face, FOCUS DUMMY! ]
What exactly were you guys talking about that's giving you that much grief?
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the way I had a heart attack bc I almost accidentally deleted this wholeass tag 1/2
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I SAW THAT HEI
HEI? WHAT DID YOU DO
hei is such a creature
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