Why would I do something like that? [Wait fuck that's an opening. QUICK TURN THE TABLES.] Have you done something I should be avoiding you for? [There that's better]
[ alhaitham inclines his head, sharpening his gaze. kaveh is dodging this conversation like his life depends on it, and it might work on anyone that isn't alhaitham. (it makes sense that he does so by inciting more arguments. they both lose all sense of decorum that way, and it's easy to suddenly leave in a huff.)
but this carries much more weight. in the same vein as kaveh feels about these past few months—about them, what they were building before it crumbled—alhaitham had that same, mild semblance of hope. kaveh accepted alhaitham's meticulous displays of care and concern and even sought after him in silent ways, sleeping where he could hear him, thanking him where he might have abruptly snapped back. they could be something not wholly different but more than what they ever have been.
his grip on that hope gradually slipped after wolfwood and vash left. not entirely, but enough for alhaitham to tighten his hold to keep it from leaving him altogether. (maybe it wouldn't, but he can't be sure. he'd lost kaveh once before.) ]
Only you would have that answer. [ he gestures out with his hand. ] Although if it were that simple, I'm sure you would have admonished me for it directly by now. As it is, you can't stand to talk with me for more than a minute at a time, if that.
[Kaveh never knows what to do with himself when Alhaitham doesn't pick up his thrown gauntlets. He knows how to bicker, to argue, to push buttons and get his own pushed in return. He does not, has never, known what to do when Alhaitham cuts through the shroud of their verbal spars and lays the issue bare.
Rather... what he wants to do wars with what he know he should do. What he wants to do is run. Even now, he shifts, uncomfortable, the urge to get away building up inside him. He wants Alhaitham to have never started this conversation. Couldn't he have simply let Kaveh work through things on his own? Surely Kaveh's behavior wasn't that disruptive. If anything, shouldn't Alhaitham be grateful that Kaveh's been minding his own business? The harder Kaveh works, the faster he can move out, and the sooner Alhaitham will have his peace and quiet. They can go back to the way things were before Kaveh ruined his own life. Even if things were getting better between them, that is still the ultimate goal. It's what Alhaitham wants, surely. It's what Kaveh wants. Probably.
Part of him wants to be resentful. He hates being exposed, and Alhaitham knows it. But the thought doesn't linger, and shame washes over him as soon as it's gone. Alhaitham's only asking after his well-being, and god knows he's given Alhaitham enough reasons to worry about that--not just upon his return, but throughout their entire lives. He knows Alhaitham cares, even though it's in his own way and for his own reasons. It's not Alhaitham's fault that Kaveh can't get Vash's insane suggestions out of his head.]
That's not true. [But he mumbles it, and he avoids Alhaitham's gaze. He looks down at his plate, so meticulously and thoughtfully prepared, and sighs. Be honest, Kaveh.] ...I'm sorry. You didn't do anything. I've just--been a little distracted lately.
[Much closer to the truth, but still comfortable. He can handle that much.]
[ even if alhaitham was being hyperbolic, it got the desired results. that's more important.
kaveh deflates in front of him, like a kite spun by an errant wind. his sighs and softened tone are indicators that kaveh is being genuine with him, like he's exhausted all other options but to tell the truth. it's how conversations usually end when alhaitham wins the argument.
but this isn't a win, just like it isn't an argument. this is alhaitham imploring kaveh for answers in the only way that (he thinks) will work. there's no guarantee that kinder, milder gestures work just as well, even if he's inclined to do them.
alhaitham stays quiet for a moment, lifting his chin and softening his glare. his arms stay crossed even as he slackens his shoulders. ]
You've been acting this way since Vash and Wolfwood left for home. [ he'll tries to give kaveh the benefit of the doubt, even if his avoidance feels pointedly about him. maybe kaveh was reminded of something, or he's fearful of alhaitham's mortality all over again? ] If something happened, I won't know unless you tell me.
[Whether or not it will work... well. Even Kaveh couldn't answer that, were he so inclined to try. But he's staying, for now, which is something. He'll even take a seat at the table with his plate, still feeling a little chastised.
It's not that easy, though. He shakes his head.]
It's nothing. You don't need to worry about it. [That, too, is true--at least, it's what Kaveh believes is true. Never mind that Alhaitham softens, something Kaveh knows he very rarely does for anyone else--it's only because Kaveh's been so exhaustingly fragile since his return. And forget about the fact that he's gone out of his way to check in with him--it's only because Alhaitham likes to cut to the chase and minimize annoyances. If Kaveh thinks about it long enough, everything that catches his attention lately can be attributed to normal Alhaitham behavior. That means Vash is wrong, and that means there's nothing for Alhaitham to worry about; Kaveh will get over it. Easy.]
[ it's nothing, kaveh says, when it's (checks notes) actually everything. it's obvious that his thoughts are churning as he takes a seat at the table. a moment passes before alhaitham pushes from the counter and slides into the seat beside him.
above all, alhaitham is a researcher. he pursues the truth relentlessly, endlessly seeks answers to his questions, and contemplates those which have no answers at all. once, despite their polarizing philosophies, he believed he understood kaveh to the fullest extent that a friend possibly could. he only realized his misconception the day when their thesis was torn to shreds.
kaveh is one of those unanswerable questions. humans are malleable, shaped by their experiences and the people they meet, and kaveh has been through countless traumas. alhaitham won't always know what's on his mind, no matter how deeply he wants to. the only thing he can do is ask and understand. ]
You're right. I don't need to. I'm choosing to.
[ he cranes his head, trying to search kaveh's face or meet his eye. again, his gaze isn't sharp or admonishing, only gently inquisitive. he knows that the answer is difficult, whatever it may be. he wants kaveh to trust him with it. ]
If you don't want to tell me, I'll respect your decision. ...But if you decide that you want to, I'm here.
[If it were anything else, anything at all, Kaveh would take him up on that. He would relent and pour out his heart, the way he's only ever been able to do with Alhaitham. He constantly judges and criticizes me, Kaveh will complain to others, and it's true from his perspective--but at the same time, he trusts Alhaitham with parts of himself that he can't show anyone else. Alhaitham is, and always has been, honest and true to himself above all else. For all that his attitude causes them to clash, it's something Kaveh respects and relies on, too.
About this, though...? He can just imagine it. Oh, really, it's nothing. Vash just refused to listen when I explained how incompatible we are. He was convinced you have feelings, can you imagine? For me! And Alhaitham would roll his eyes, would say something like, Of course you would work yourself up over pointless impossibilities or This is what happens when you keep company as ridiculous as you. Let me guess, he also told you that you're a good person who is capable of making a difference in the world, instead of some scatterbrained do-gooder who thinks drowning himself under a flood of others' problems is an effective method of change?
--Okay, fine, maybe he wouldn't say that. Not tonight, at least, when he's chosen to sit close, to offer his time and his attention and his patience. But still. There's no point in Kaveh laying out something he already knows is nonsense purely for Alhaitham's confirmation. (And if it makes his heart ache, his stomach twist, to think of Alhaitham laughing in his face at the very suggestion of them--well. If he doesn't mention it, he doesn't need to think about that.)
Still, he can't leave Alhaitham hanging like this. It's so hard to put his gratitude into words, but it warms him every time Alhaitham opens the door for him. It's a reminder that Alhaitham really does get something out of keeping him around--that despite all the problems Kaveh brings into his life, for now, Alhaitham still thinks the benefits outweigh the costs. That he might even hold some small sense of nostalgia for those golden days of the past.
God, he's really done nothing for Alhaitham lately, has he. He needs to fix that. He'll worry about that another day.
He glances at Alhaitham, and his expression softens at what he sees. Gently, he reaches out to take Alhaitham's hand, and he squeezes it once, reassuring.]
It's--not anything serious. [It doesn't feel quite right to say it's not important. Kaveh's being stupid, but he still cares about their relationship.] Vash says ridiculous things sometimes, that's all.
[ they've held hands more lately. that avenue opened once kaveh returned from the game, as if he'd broken some threshold of resilience between him and the people closest to him. suddenly there were bigger hugs, shoulder squeezes, linked arms while traversing the bazaar or attending a show, and not just with alhaitham. nilou, dehya, candace, tighnari, cyno, collei, others—all of them commented on the shift after they spent time alone with kaveh, to which alhaitham replied with only a shrug.
obviously, they haven't engaged in gestures like this since vash and wolfwood left for home. even in the brief moments that they shared the same air, alhaitham would avoid instigating anything, both out of respect for kaveh's space and an understanding that holding kaveh's hand is a privilege granted to many others. he had no right to chase it.
alhaitham watches at kaveh's hand like a small bird drifted down to perch on his knuckles. he slowly turns his hand over and curls it around kaveh's, folding his thumb over the backs of his fingers. he ignores the small leap in his pulse.
there's no deeper meaning to this, he reminds himself. even so, he'll never get used to it. that isn't such a bad thing. ]
I remember. You ran off when he asked me if I cared about you. [ his eyes flicker back up to kaveh. good job giving him your hand. now you're stuck. (not really) ] He told me that you still have hurt feelings from one of our arguments, and you also think that I hate you.
[ it's not necessarily news, but alhaitham's just dropping facts. ]
[Kaveh realizes he's || this close to being trapped here and dives out the nearest window like Papyrus in Undertale (no)
He does makes a sour expression, though.]
I didn't run off. [He doesn't remember the excuse he gave, though, so he'll... be... halfway honest--] I just didn't want to encourage him. Trying to get him to listen on this matter is an exercise in futility.
[It's almost like Kaveh and Vash are the same person
...
Also he puffs up, offended, like an idiot.]
What "hurt feelings"--I'm not a child! Ugh, this is exactly why I gave up trying to explain anything to him at all.
[As for the last--well. Yeah. He doesn't address it, because he doesn't think it needs to be discussed. Maybe it's hyperbolic, but he doesn't think the fundamental principle is incorrect: They are incompatible personalities, and they will both be happier when they can go their separate ways again. If Vash still thinks otherwise, it is only because he refuses to see the truth.]
[ they both know that alhaitham won't back down from just that. unless kaveh tells him genuinely that he would rather not talk about it, he's going to press him a little more at a time. they've already gotten this far. ]
[Yeah but Alhaitham also didn't refute hating him which is obviously proof that it's true!!
Kaveh stubbornly shoves a peach slice in his mouth. He's not running, but he's starting to dig his heels in again now that he's assured Alhaitham that he isn't on the verge of another breakdown.]
[ KAVEH DIDN'T RESPOND WHEN HE BROUGHT IT UP!! HE IS LITERALLY HOLDING YOUR HAND!!! KERMIT GUN.PNG
he studies kaveh intently. had vash not told him the results of their conversation? with kaveh's reactions right now, it's possible that he kept running away before vash could get a word in.
avoiding miscommunication. telling kaveh the truth so he doesn't mentally spiral. that's what vash said he needed.
he puts it plainly. ]
I'll tell you this. None of the assumptions Vash made that we talked about were incorrect.
Alhaitham's been so kind to him throughout this whole conversation, but Kaveh still expects a negative response here. A scolding, some kind of disdainful comment about his personality, maybe an annoyed sigh as Alhaitham leaves him to his own devices--none of those would be out of the ordinary. He can feel Alhaitham's gaze on him, but he ignores it, popping another slice of fruit in his mouth and propping his chin in his free hand as he eats.
Why he expected Alhaitham to let it go, though, Kaveh will never know. When Alhaitham has a goal, almost nothing can stop him from pursuing it. Kaveh has no one to blame but himself for ignoring the familiar signs of Alhaitham with his mind set on something.
Alhaitham's words--free from any of the negativity or derision he expected--make him still, a bit like a wild deer going on alert at the sound of snapping branches. He cuts his gaze to the side, eying Alhaitham without turning to face him.]
[Yeah Alhaitham why you gotta have such bad taste in men (citation needed)
But... ah. He's backed himself into a corner with this one, and he feels a little foolish for allowing it to happen. He breaks first, looking away from Alhaitham and turning back to his plate, picking at the food on it without actually eating.]
...I know you don't. [He's back to mumbling, tendrils of guilt once again creeping up on him. For all of Kaveh's overdramatic rants about their fights, he cannot, in good conscience, claim that he truly believes Alhaitham hates him. Alhaitham would never let him stay if he did, no matter how useful Kaveh might be to him; Kaveh knows that. Has he truly not made that clear? Has he been too unappreciative of Alhaitham's kindness? Has he gone overboard with his complaints, to the point where even Alhaitham can no longer tell what's serious and what's exaggeration?
He's gotten too comfortable here. Too used to all of... this. The game reminded him not to take anything for granted, but maybe he's been so caught up in drawing on the comforting familiarity of Alhaitham, of everything he knows, that he's forgotten that this isn't actually his home.
He pushes the plate away, leaning back against his chair and looking down at the table.]
Vash just... refuses to accept that some people can't get along. [Because they can't. Alhaitham knows that just as much as he does, Kaveh is certain. Pretending otherwise is both futile and cruel, even if Kaveh can't stop himself from wishing things were different. But it is what it is--they're both too stubborn to change, and that's that. I don't hate you is a very different thing from I like you, to say nothing of anything beyond that.] I've tried to explain, but he won't listen.
the food is picked at, the plate is pushed away, and kaveh won't even meet his eye as he sinks back into his seat. armed with only the conversation with vash and his own assumptions, alhaitham can only guess what thoughts are turning in kaveh's head as he regresses into himself. their joined hands are all that keeps them together, but even that begins to feel like dead weight rather than a reassuring gesture.
what alhaitham said wasn't a lie, but it was the wrong answer. he can't help but think this as kaveh speaks dejectedly towards the table. it doesn't surprise him that vash believed they could reconcile their relationship, but if vash was hoping that they could change themselves and come to an agreement on their beliefs, kaveh is absolutely right. neither of them will budge on that, and it's precisely why alhaitham wants kaveh by his side.
as to whether they can "get along," though... ]
Our conversations do devolve into arguments and petty insults. However, there are times when the two of us get along relatively well. I wouldn't say it's insurmountable.
[ alhaitham gently tightens his hold on kaveh's hand, tethering him to where he is. he thinks about their grocery runs. their clasped hands. their late-night debates. kaveh's brief but golden laughter, and the way alhaitham's heart melts each time he hears it. ]
You and I will always have our fundamental disagreements, but our differences have value in and of themselves. I've thought this since we first met.
[Alhaitham may think it's the wrong answer, but in truth, there is no right answer here. Regardless of the validity of Kaveh's complaints about Alhaitham's bluntness and insensitivity, there is nothing Alhaitham can say that will fix what they've become. Kaveh is the one who has to choose--to trust, to forgive, to meet Alhaitham where he's been standing for so long, precisely halfway on the bridge over the gulf that lingers between them.
But doing something like that... how can he? How can he be certain the bridge won't collapse again? How can he trust himself not to set fire to it in another instance of short-sighted pain? And, worse--what if he dared to venture to the middle, only to find he'd misunderstood and Alhaitham was never truly waiting for him?
Our relationship is something of a mixed bag these days, he'd admitted to the Traveler once--more honest than he'd been to anyone in the UG, knowing that the Traveler wouldn't mention it, that they were detached enough to be a safe confidant. Talking with someone who knew them both, away on a commission and slightly tipsy to boot, was very different from being honest with people he was trapped with for weeks on end, especially when he'd spent most of that time half-certain of his own demise. He couldn't acknowledge the complexities of their relationship during the game because he couldn't stand to think about Alhaitham much at all, knowing they'd likely never see each other again. Never mind that he unconsciously sought out familiar traits in others, that Alhaitham's name fell out of his mouth left and right--that Kaveh himself proved, over and over again and contrary to his own claims, that they are inextricably intertwined.
Alhaitham is right--they're fine sometimes. Alhaitham harboring feelings for him is... another matter entirely, but Kaveh can admit, at least with Alhaitham sitting beside him and holding his hand like this, that it's true they can get along quite well. Alhaitham wasn't the only person who found a kindred spirit when they met, and the thrill of a verbal spar with an intellectual equal is something Kaveh has still only ever felt with Alhaitham. Not to mention the wonders they produce when they do work together--even now, Kaveh hears their thesis described as ingenious and revolutionary. Kaveh doesn't care about any of that, but he does remember the exhilaration of a breakthrough, the content exhaustion of long nights spent side by side in the library. Regardless of the other relationships he's cultivated over the years, romantic or otherwise, no one ever filled the void that was left behind when Kaveh walked away from Alhaitham all those years ago.
Alhaitham says he values their differences, that he doesn't think their arguments are insurmountable--and Kaveh knows Alhaitham well enough to recognize that it's high praise. But even so, Kaveh's mind whispers poisonous doubts: The existence of a load-bearing structure does not negate the weight pressing down upon it. A manageable burden is still a burden.
He doesn't pull his hand away, though. His fingers curl, very loosely, over Alhaitham's.]
It would be more valuable if you could go five seconds without insulting every decision I make. [But his grumbling is insincere, nothing more than a retreat away from the frightening depths of vulnerability in front of him and back onto familiar, solid ground. It hasn't been lost on him that Alhaitham's been kinder lately--still himself, of course, but not nearly as acerbic as before.
He's quiet for a moment; when he speaks again, it's with a light tone that is somehow both forced and fragile. Carefully, so carefully, venturing back towards honesty.] You claim our differences aren't insurmountable, but even our most productive debates devolve into "petty insults," as you say. Is it not said that the definition of insanity is repeating the same actions while expecting different results?
[ even the barest shift of kaveh's fingers is a good sign. anything is good as long as he isn't pulling away.
alhaitham treads carefully over their bridge of mud and stone, salvaged from the remains of their once great, intricate masterpiece. when kaveh returned from the game, it felt as though they committed to rebuilding what they had—laying a solid foundation, stabilizing shaky structures, creating a platform strong enough to carry their weight. it would never live up to what they had in the akademiya, but this could be something stable, almost reliable. that's what alhaitham thought, anyway.
all of that came to a halt those few weeks ago. alhaitham now stands at the center of that bridge, offering out his hand. kaveh has slunk back onto solid and familiar ground, waiting to be swallowed by the sea around him.
the situation isn't so dire. if this conversation doesn't end well, alhaitham can certainly press the issue again. it's the way kaveh speaks, voice shaken and unsure, that makes alhaitham hesitate. kaveh forgets that on the day their relationship (friendship? situationship?) collapsed, alhaitham was standing on the other end of their bridge, dropping his matchstick and watching the flames eat away at what they built. alhaitham is no architect, but he's still capable of building solid structures and tearing things down. ]
One cannot base their conclusions on empirical evidence alone. You and I have never interacted with different expectations for the outcome. We won't know that our actions would remain the same unless we gather proof that they will.
[ by testing it is implied. rather than being corrective, alhaitham is appealing in the way most familiar to him—with fact-based logic and reasoning. if it's interpreted as dry or insensitive, that's entirely unintentional on alhaitham's part, although the damage may already be done.
it doesn't end there. alhaitham lowers his voice, searching kaveh's face for any inkling of his thoughts. ]
Tell me why this matters so much to you. Why is it important that you prove Vash wrong?
[Why indeed? Because I can't be sure he won't say something to you that would ruin everything. Because I'm not actually sure what I believe anymore, and you and I both know that the surest way to affirm a stance is to defend it against a rebuttal. Because if he's not wrong, then that means everything you've done for me over the years hasn't actually been a mutually beneficial arrangement--it's something I don't deserve, after how I've treated you.
Normally, Kaveh would shut such thoughts down immediately. Long before the game, he'd decided--more or less subconsciously--that at the best way to coexist in Alhaitham's home was to simply not acknowledge the tattered state of their relationship. Of course, it quickly proved impossible to truly do so; they couldn't unlearn everything they knew about each other, nor could they erase the parts of themselves that sparked their conflicts. Not to mention Alhaitham's completely lack of tact; why would he tiptoe around their past when he saw no reason to do so? Still, Alhaitham wasn't really one to dwell, either; at least, that was how it seemed to Kaveh. Either way, for most of their time together, Alhaitham never pushed him about this, and as a result, Kaveh... well. It's not that he's completely avoided thinking about it, because that's impossible for someone like him--but usually, he catches himself, and he slams the door shut before he can say or do something that will shatter what little they've managed to salvage of their past closeness.
Now, though, it's impossible to stop them from creeping through his head, heavy and insidious.]
Even if I explained it, you wouldn't understand. [He doesn't sound bitter or accusatory when he speaks again--just tired. A little resigned, maybe, his gaze still focused on the table.] You're the first to assert how little you care about interpersonal relationships.
[And perhaps that's the root of it, just like it always is. Alhaitham holds himself apart from so much of the rest of the world, like a researcher observing the unknowing participants of his grand experiment. When they were young, Kaveh had fooled himself into thinking that their mutual intellect translated to a true understanding of each other. That Alhaitham could look at him as not just a fellow genius, but a dear friend. He'd shown Alhaitham the fragile, lonely creature he truly was, naively assuming he was somehow... special. Someone Alhaitham was willing to spare, even though he should've known better than to think Alhaitham would curb his temper for anyone. How could he possibly expect anything different now, when he's even less worthy of protection than he used to be? That was true even before the game.
Vash must be wrong, because once upon a time, Kaveh would've believed he was right. He cannot, will not, make the same mistake twice; his heart isn't strong enough to withstand that.
Kaveh cares too much; Alhaitham, too little. Anything Kaveh might read as caring and kindness, at least directed towards him, has a logical explanation behind it. The faster he reminds himself of this objective truth, the happier they'll both be.]
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Before you leave, I want to know why you've been avoiding me.
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TRIPLES DOWN]
What? That's ridiculous. I'm right here, aren't I?
["could a person who's avoiding you do THIS"]
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Only because I stopped you from leaving just now.
[ he narrows his eyes. ]
You also came in here because you thought I'd be asleep by now. Am I wrong?
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Why would I do something like that? [Wait fuck that's an opening. QUICK TURN THE TABLES.] Have you done something I should be avoiding you for? [There that's better]
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but this carries much more weight. in the same vein as kaveh feels about these past few months—about them, what they were building before it crumbled—alhaitham had that same, mild semblance of hope. kaveh accepted alhaitham's meticulous displays of care and concern and even sought after him in silent ways, sleeping where he could hear him, thanking him where he might have abruptly snapped back. they could be something not wholly different but more than what they ever have been.
his grip on that hope gradually slipped after wolfwood and vash left. not entirely, but enough for alhaitham to tighten his hold to keep it from leaving him altogether. (maybe it wouldn't, but he can't be sure. he'd lost kaveh once before.) ]
Only you would have that answer. [ he gestures out with his hand. ] Although if it were that simple, I'm sure you would have admonished me for it directly by now. As it is, you can't stand to talk with me for more than a minute at a time, if that.
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Rather... what he wants to do wars with what he know he should do. What he wants to do is run. Even now, he shifts, uncomfortable, the urge to get away building up inside him. He wants Alhaitham to have never started this conversation. Couldn't he have simply let Kaveh work through things on his own? Surely Kaveh's behavior wasn't that disruptive. If anything, shouldn't Alhaitham be grateful that Kaveh's been minding his own business? The harder Kaveh works, the faster he can move out, and the sooner Alhaitham will have his peace and quiet. They can go back to the way things were before Kaveh ruined his own life. Even if things were getting better between them, that is still the ultimate goal. It's what Alhaitham wants, surely. It's what Kaveh wants. Probably.
Part of him wants to be resentful. He hates being exposed, and Alhaitham knows it. But the thought doesn't linger, and shame washes over him as soon as it's gone. Alhaitham's only asking after his well-being, and god knows he's given Alhaitham enough reasons to worry about that--not just upon his return, but throughout their entire lives. He knows Alhaitham cares, even though it's in his own way and for his own reasons. It's not Alhaitham's fault that Kaveh can't get Vash's insane suggestions out of his head.]
That's not true. [But he mumbles it, and he avoids Alhaitham's gaze. He looks down at his plate, so meticulously and thoughtfully prepared, and sighs. Be honest, Kaveh.] ...I'm sorry. You didn't do anything. I've just--been a little distracted lately.
[Much closer to the truth, but still comfortable. He can handle that much.]
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kaveh deflates in front of him, like a kite spun by an errant wind. his sighs and softened tone are indicators that kaveh is being genuine with him, like he's exhausted all other options but to tell the truth. it's how conversations usually end when alhaitham wins the argument.
but this isn't a win, just like it isn't an argument. this is alhaitham imploring kaveh for answers in the only way that (he thinks) will work. there's no guarantee that kinder, milder gestures work just as well, even if he's inclined to do them.
alhaitham stays quiet for a moment, lifting his chin and softening his glare. his arms stay crossed even as he slackens his shoulders. ]
You've been acting this way since Vash and Wolfwood left for home. [ he'll tries to give kaveh the benefit of the doubt, even if his avoidance feels pointedly about him. maybe kaveh was reminded of something, or he's fearful of alhaitham's mortality all over again? ] If something happened, I won't know unless you tell me.
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It's not that easy, though. He shakes his head.]
It's nothing. You don't need to worry about it. [That, too, is true--at least, it's what Kaveh believes is true. Never mind that Alhaitham softens, something Kaveh knows he very rarely does for anyone else--it's only because Kaveh's been so exhaustingly fragile since his return. And forget about the fact that he's gone out of his way to check in with him--it's only because Alhaitham likes to cut to the chase and minimize annoyances. If Kaveh thinks about it long enough, everything that catches his attention lately can be attributed to normal Alhaitham behavior. That means Vash is wrong, and that means there's nothing for Alhaitham to worry about; Kaveh will get over it. Easy.]
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above all, alhaitham is a researcher. he pursues the truth relentlessly, endlessly seeks answers to his questions, and contemplates those which have no answers at all. once, despite their polarizing philosophies, he believed he understood kaveh to the fullest extent that a friend possibly could. he only realized his misconception the day when their thesis was torn to shreds.
kaveh is one of those unanswerable questions. humans are malleable, shaped by their experiences and the people they meet, and kaveh has been through countless traumas. alhaitham won't always know what's on his mind, no matter how deeply he wants to. the only thing he can do is ask and understand. ]
You're right. I don't need to. I'm choosing to.
[ he cranes his head, trying to search kaveh's face or meet his eye. again, his gaze isn't sharp or admonishing, only gently inquisitive. he knows that the answer is difficult, whatever it may be. he wants kaveh to trust him with it. ]
If you don't want to tell me, I'll respect your decision. ...But if you decide that you want to, I'm here.
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About this, though...? He can just imagine it. Oh, really, it's nothing. Vash just refused to listen when I explained how incompatible we are. He was convinced you have feelings, can you imagine? For me! And Alhaitham would roll his eyes, would say something like, Of course you would work yourself up over pointless impossibilities or This is what happens when you keep company as ridiculous as you. Let me guess, he also told you that you're a good person who is capable of making a difference in the world, instead of some scatterbrained do-gooder who thinks drowning himself under a flood of others' problems is an effective method of change?
--Okay, fine, maybe he wouldn't say that. Not tonight, at least, when he's chosen to sit close, to offer his time and his attention and his patience. But still. There's no point in Kaveh laying out something he already knows is nonsense purely for Alhaitham's confirmation. (And if it makes his heart ache, his stomach twist, to think of Alhaitham laughing in his face at the very suggestion of them--well. If he doesn't mention it, he doesn't need to think about that.)
Still, he can't leave Alhaitham hanging like this. It's so hard to put his gratitude into words, but it warms him every time Alhaitham opens the door for him. It's a reminder that Alhaitham really does get something out of keeping him around--that despite all the problems Kaveh brings into his life, for now, Alhaitham still thinks the benefits outweigh the costs. That he might even hold some small sense of nostalgia for those golden days of the past.
God, he's really done nothing for Alhaitham lately, has he. He needs to fix that. He'll worry about that another day.
He glances at Alhaitham, and his expression softens at what he sees. Gently, he reaches out to take Alhaitham's hand, and he squeezes it once, reassuring.]
It's--not anything serious. [It doesn't feel quite right to say it's not important. Kaveh's being stupid, but he still cares about their relationship.] Vash says ridiculous things sometimes, that's all.
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obviously, they haven't engaged in gestures like this since vash and wolfwood left for home. even in the brief moments that they shared the same air, alhaitham would avoid instigating anything, both out of respect for kaveh's space and an understanding that holding kaveh's hand is a privilege granted to many others. he had no right to chase it.
alhaitham watches at kaveh's hand like a small bird drifted down to perch on his knuckles. he slowly turns his hand over and curls it around kaveh's, folding his thumb over the backs of his fingers. he ignores the small leap in his pulse.
there's no deeper meaning to this, he reminds himself. even so, he'll never get used to it. that isn't such a bad thing. ]
I remember. You ran off when he asked me if I cared about you. [ his eyes flicker back up to kaveh. good job giving him your hand. now you're stuck. (not really) ] He told me that you still have hurt feelings from one of our arguments, and you also think that I hate you.
[ it's not necessarily news, but alhaitham's just dropping facts. ]
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He does makes a sour expression, though.]
I didn't run off. [He doesn't remember the excuse he gave, though, so he'll... be... halfway honest--] I just didn't want to encourage him. Trying to get him to listen on this matter is an exercise in futility.
[It's almost like Kaveh and Vash are the same person
...
Also he puffs up, offended, like an idiot.]
What "hurt feelings"--I'm not a child! Ugh, this is exactly why I gave up trying to explain anything to him at all.
[As for the last--well. Yeah. He doesn't address it, because he doesn't think it needs to be discussed. Maybe it's hyperbolic, but he doesn't think the fundamental principle is incorrect: They are incompatible personalities, and they will both be happier when they can go their separate ways again. If Vash still thinks otherwise, it is only because he refuses to see the truth.]
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anyway, snaps fingers in front of kaveh's face, FOCUS DUMMY! ]
What exactly were you guys talking about that's giving you that much grief?
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Nothing! I said don't worry about it!
[Alhaitham is such a shit but he truly has the patience of a saint for dealing with ^ this all the time]
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[ they both know that alhaitham won't back down from just that. unless kaveh tells him genuinely that he would rather not talk about it, he's going to press him a little more at a time. they've already gotten this far. ]
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Kaveh stubbornly shoves a peach slice in his mouth. He's not running, but he's starting to dig his heels in again now that he's assured Alhaitham that he isn't on the verge of another breakdown.]
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he studies kaveh intently. had vash not told him the results of their conversation? with kaveh's reactions right now, it's possible that he kept running away before vash could get a word in.
avoiding miscommunication. telling kaveh the truth so he doesn't mentally spiral. that's what vash said he needed.
he puts it plainly. ]
I'll tell you this. None of the assumptions Vash made that we talked about were incorrect.
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Alhaitham's been so kind to him throughout this whole conversation, but Kaveh still expects a negative response here. A scolding, some kind of disdainful comment about his personality, maybe an annoyed sigh as Alhaitham leaves him to his own devices--none of those would be out of the ordinary. He can feel Alhaitham's gaze on him, but he ignores it, popping another slice of fruit in his mouth and propping his chin in his free hand as he eats.
Why he expected Alhaitham to let it go, though, Kaveh will never know. When Alhaitham has a goal, almost nothing can stop him from pursuing it. Kaveh has no one to blame but himself for ignoring the familiar signs of Alhaitham with his mind set on something.
Alhaitham's words--free from any of the negativity or derision he expected--make him still, a bit like a wild deer going on alert at the sound of snapping branches. He cuts his gaze to the side, eying Alhaitham without turning to face him.]
And what exactly do you mean by that?
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alhaitham locks kaveh's gaze with his, like maybe that will convince kaveh that he's being sincere. ]
It means that contrary to your assumptions, I don't actually hate you. That much should have been obvious by now.
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But... ah. He's backed himself into a corner with this one, and he feels a little foolish for allowing it to happen. He breaks first, looking away from Alhaitham and turning back to his plate, picking at the food on it without actually eating.]
...I know you don't. [He's back to mumbling, tendrils of guilt once again creeping up on him. For all of Kaveh's overdramatic rants about their fights, he cannot, in good conscience, claim that he truly believes Alhaitham hates him. Alhaitham would never let him stay if he did, no matter how useful Kaveh might be to him; Kaveh knows that. Has he truly not made that clear? Has he been too unappreciative of Alhaitham's kindness? Has he gone overboard with his complaints, to the point where even Alhaitham can no longer tell what's serious and what's exaggeration?
He's gotten too comfortable here. Too used to all of... this. The game reminded him not to take anything for granted, but maybe he's been so caught up in drawing on the comforting familiarity of Alhaitham, of everything he knows, that he's forgotten that this isn't actually his home.
He pushes the plate away, leaning back against his chair and looking down at the table.]
Vash just... refuses to accept that some people can't get along. [Because they can't. Alhaitham knows that just as much as he does, Kaveh is certain. Pretending otherwise is both futile and cruel, even if Kaveh can't stop himself from wishing things were different. But it is what it is--they're both too stubborn to change, and that's that. I don't hate you is a very different thing from I like you, to say nothing of anything beyond that.] I've tried to explain, but he won't listen.
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the food is picked at, the plate is pushed away, and kaveh won't even meet his eye as he sinks back into his seat. armed with only the conversation with vash and his own assumptions, alhaitham can only guess what thoughts are turning in kaveh's head as he regresses into himself. their joined hands are all that keeps them together, but even that begins to feel like dead weight rather than a reassuring gesture.
what alhaitham said wasn't a lie, but it was the wrong answer. he can't help but think this as kaveh speaks dejectedly towards the table. it doesn't surprise him that vash believed they could reconcile their relationship, but if vash was hoping that they could change themselves and come to an agreement on their beliefs, kaveh is absolutely right. neither of them will budge on that, and it's precisely why alhaitham wants kaveh by his side.
as to whether they can "get along," though... ]
Our conversations do devolve into arguments and petty insults. However, there are times when the two of us get along relatively well. I wouldn't say it's insurmountable.
[ alhaitham gently tightens his hold on kaveh's hand, tethering him to where he is. he thinks about their grocery runs. their clasped hands. their late-night debates. kaveh's brief but golden laughter, and the way alhaitham's heart melts each time he hears it. ]
You and I will always have our fundamental disagreements, but our differences have value in and of themselves. I've thought this since we first met.
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But doing something like that... how can he? How can he be certain the bridge won't collapse again? How can he trust himself not to set fire to it in another instance of short-sighted pain? And, worse--what if he dared to venture to the middle, only to find he'd misunderstood and Alhaitham was never truly waiting for him?
Our relationship is something of a mixed bag these days, he'd admitted to the Traveler once--more honest than he'd been to anyone in the UG, knowing that the Traveler wouldn't mention it, that they were detached enough to be a safe confidant. Talking with someone who knew them both, away on a commission and slightly tipsy to boot, was very different from being honest with people he was trapped with for weeks on end, especially when he'd spent most of that time half-certain of his own demise. He couldn't acknowledge the complexities of their relationship during the game because he couldn't stand to think about Alhaitham much at all, knowing they'd likely never see each other again. Never mind that he unconsciously sought out familiar traits in others, that Alhaitham's name fell out of his mouth left and right--that Kaveh himself proved, over and over again and contrary to his own claims, that they are inextricably intertwined.
Alhaitham is right--they're fine sometimes. Alhaitham harboring feelings for him is... another matter entirely, but Kaveh can admit, at least with Alhaitham sitting beside him and holding his hand like this, that it's true they can get along quite well. Alhaitham wasn't the only person who found a kindred spirit when they met, and the thrill of a verbal spar with an intellectual equal is something Kaveh has still only ever felt with Alhaitham. Not to mention the wonders they produce when they do work together--even now, Kaveh hears their thesis described as ingenious and revolutionary. Kaveh doesn't care about any of that, but he does remember the exhilaration of a breakthrough, the content exhaustion of long nights spent side by side in the library. Regardless of the other relationships he's cultivated over the years, romantic or otherwise, no one ever filled the void that was left behind when Kaveh walked away from Alhaitham all those years ago.
Alhaitham says he values their differences, that he doesn't think their arguments are insurmountable--and Kaveh knows Alhaitham well enough to recognize that it's high praise. But even so, Kaveh's mind whispers poisonous doubts: The existence of a load-bearing structure does not negate the weight pressing down upon it. A manageable burden is still a burden.
He doesn't pull his hand away, though. His fingers curl, very loosely, over Alhaitham's.]
It would be more valuable if you could go five seconds without insulting every decision I make. [But his grumbling is insincere, nothing more than a retreat away from the frightening depths of vulnerability in front of him and back onto familiar, solid ground. It hasn't been lost on him that Alhaitham's been kinder lately--still himself, of course, but not nearly as acerbic as before.
He's quiet for a moment; when he speaks again, it's with a light tone that is somehow both forced and fragile. Carefully, so carefully, venturing back towards honesty.] You claim our differences aren't insurmountable, but even our most productive debates devolve into "petty insults," as you say. Is it not said that the definition of insanity is repeating the same actions while expecting different results?
[Surely this isn't truly worth it to you?]
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alhaitham treads carefully over their bridge of mud and stone, salvaged from the remains of their once great, intricate masterpiece. when kaveh returned from the game, it felt as though they committed to rebuilding what they had—laying a solid foundation, stabilizing shaky structures, creating a platform strong enough to carry their weight. it would never live up to what they had in the akademiya, but this could be something stable, almost reliable. that's what alhaitham thought, anyway.
all of that came to a halt those few weeks ago. alhaitham now stands at the center of that bridge, offering out his hand. kaveh has slunk back onto solid and familiar ground, waiting to be swallowed by the sea around him.
the situation isn't so dire. if this conversation doesn't end well, alhaitham can certainly press the issue again. it's the way kaveh speaks, voice shaken and unsure, that makes alhaitham hesitate. kaveh forgets that on the day their relationship (friendship? situationship?) collapsed, alhaitham was standing on the other end of their bridge, dropping his matchstick and watching the flames eat away at what they built. alhaitham is no architect, but he's still capable of building solid structures and tearing things down. ]
One cannot base their conclusions on empirical evidence alone. You and I have never interacted with different expectations for the outcome. We won't know that our actions would remain the same unless we gather proof that they will.
[ by testing it is implied. rather than being corrective, alhaitham is appealing in the way most familiar to him—with fact-based logic and reasoning. if it's interpreted as dry or insensitive, that's entirely unintentional on alhaitham's part, although the damage may already be done.
it doesn't end there. alhaitham lowers his voice, searching kaveh's face for any inkling of his thoughts. ]
Tell me why this matters so much to you. Why is it important that you prove Vash wrong?
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Normally, Kaveh would shut such thoughts down immediately. Long before the game, he'd decided--more or less subconsciously--that at the best way to coexist in Alhaitham's home was to simply not acknowledge the tattered state of their relationship. Of course, it quickly proved impossible to truly do so; they couldn't unlearn everything they knew about each other, nor could they erase the parts of themselves that sparked their conflicts. Not to mention Alhaitham's completely lack of tact; why would he tiptoe around their past when he saw no reason to do so? Still, Alhaitham wasn't really one to dwell, either; at least, that was how it seemed to Kaveh. Either way, for most of their time together, Alhaitham never pushed him about this, and as a result, Kaveh... well. It's not that he's completely avoided thinking about it, because that's impossible for someone like him--but usually, he catches himself, and he slams the door shut before he can say or do something that will shatter what little they've managed to salvage of their past closeness.
Now, though, it's impossible to stop them from creeping through his head, heavy and insidious.]
Even if I explained it, you wouldn't understand. [He doesn't sound bitter or accusatory when he speaks again--just tired. A little resigned, maybe, his gaze still focused on the table.] You're the first to assert how little you care about interpersonal relationships.
[And perhaps that's the root of it, just like it always is. Alhaitham holds himself apart from so much of the rest of the world, like a researcher observing the unknowing participants of his grand experiment. When they were young, Kaveh had fooled himself into thinking that their mutual intellect translated to a true understanding of each other. That Alhaitham could look at him as not just a fellow genius, but a dear friend. He'd shown Alhaitham the fragile, lonely creature he truly was, naively assuming he was somehow... special. Someone Alhaitham was willing to spare, even though he should've known better than to think Alhaitham would curb his temper for anyone. How could he possibly expect anything different now, when he's even less worthy of protection than he used to be? That was true even before the game.
Vash must be wrong, because once upon a time, Kaveh would've believed he was right. He cannot, will not, make the same mistake twice; his heart isn't strong enough to withstand that.
Kaveh cares too much; Alhaitham, too little. Anything Kaveh might read as caring and kindness, at least directed towards him, has a logical explanation behind it. The faster he reminds himself of this objective truth, the happier they'll both be.]
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the way I had a heart attack bc I almost accidentally deleted this wholeass tag 1/2
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I SAW THAT HEI
HEI? WHAT DID YOU DO
hei is such a creature
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