[Eunhyuk looks down at the reply, feeling unease settle under his skin like a familiar blanket. He sends Luke a smiley emoji, something to show him that he's seen the message even if he doesn't actually feel very smiley at the moment. He just heads to the spot where they usually get beamed back from the Eudora, standing because he's never been the type to pace -- just waiting for Luke to come back
if it takes too long then he'll really head to the island of otome himself? he's giving Luke ten more minutes -- maybe five actually,]
[Well, if it's only five minutes, that's definitely not enough time--but it's not like Luke doesn't know Eunhyuk? Truly, sometimes it's so convenient to be dating someone who thinks and acts in such a similar way to you. So after, like, 6 minutes:]
Back in a few ❤️
[RELAX... IT'S PROBABLY FINE... it's definitely not Luke reassuring him in order to keep Eunhyuk out of Arpechele for various reasons,,,
"A few" turns out to be a little longer than 10 minutes--but eventually, the familiar soft light does fill the room, right in the same spot as always. HE'S BACK ARE YOU HAPPY NOW]
Eunhyuk waits for Luke to appear, immediately closing the distance between them to —- hug him? Hold him? Do something else to make it obvious how worried he was the whole time? Luckily for him, Peanut cuts in with a chirp, flying over to settle on Luke’s shoulder.
He takes his cue, reaching out to hold Luke’s hand,]
Welcome back.
[at the same time he immediately looks Luke over, because genius technology or not, tests can still be draining, especially since Luke was there for SO LONG]
[For a long moment, his hand rests loosely in Eunhyuk's--maybe it's just because he's turning his attention to Peanut? It's probably fine. Luke looks alright, at least; he's not covered in blood, he doesn't manifest and immediately collapse, nothing like that. The only other sign that anything's off is the slightly stiff way he holds himself, something that only Eunhyuk, who is so familiar with him and watches him so closely, could notice.
Once he looks back at Eunhyuk, he glances down at their hands, very briefly--then, he curls his fingers over Eunhyuk's to squeeze his hand, and smiles.]
I'm home. Sorry I'm late. [He leans in to press a quick kiss to the corner of Eunhyuk's mouth, then looks down, pulling his hand away as he eases his shoes off.] I'm going to take a shower.
[Eunhyuk watches, because how can he not when he's so used to looking at Luke? Even if Luke himself doesn't want him to see. But he does, while waiting in this brief interval when Luke says nothing at all, simply stands there with his hand in Eunhyuk's like everything is alright when clearly something isn't okay.
He understands the same moment when Luke pulls his hand away, the realization rooting him in place as Luke goes about taking his shoes off and maybe his jacket, until finally he moves too, following him across the room.]
[It's here that his facade cracks a little more--the hesitant pause at Eunhyuk's words, before he sets Peanut back on his perch. The way he favors his left hand over his right as he shrugs his jacket off. And maybe it's a testament to how tired he is, that he thinks he's doing an alright job of seeming normal. Or maybe it's a sign of how little attention Luke pays himself, that he thinks, even now, Eunhyuk might overlook these small things--that he can't comprehend someone else paying him as much attention as he pays them, even when that someone is Eunhyuk, who has made it so abundantly clear from the start that he's always, always watching.
Whatever the reason, he doesn't seem aware of Eunhyuk's unease. He just shakes his head, hanging up his coat and heading towards the bathroom.]
No, that's okay. [He smiles again, glancing at Eunhyuk before his gaze skitters away.] I want to make it quick.
[Eunhyuk keeps walking, finally pausing at the threshold, fighting to keep his usual neutral expression, even as he slips his hands into his pockets to form fists,]
Alright.
[Luke can shower.......... for now......... and if Eunhyuk looks a little forlorn then no he doesn't, that's just a trick of the lighting.
meanwhile, he'll wait for Luke to finish while in the living room with an extra towel... and also the hair dryer, and also dinner. just normal fussy things Eunhyuk would do even if Luke had returned on time! yeah!]
[Maybe Eunhyuk does look forlorn!! But Luke doesn't notice, between the way he can't quite hold Eunhyuk's gaze and the way he hurries to the bathroom. Except it's totally casual he's not hurrying at all? Why would he hurry... it's not like Luke runs and hides like a feral animal whenever he's feeling unhappy or unwell... he would never rush off to stop Eunhyuk from noticing something being off... if he DID hurry, which he DIDN'T, it's probably just because he's so eager to see Eunhyuk after a long morning, yeah
...Except that some time passes, and he doesn't come out? The shower is clearly still running, which is unusual, given that Luke hasn't shaken the habit of extremely quick showers that he developed at the capital. But it's probably fine, it's not like there was a loud crash or a thud or anything!!]
[THIS BINCH!!! EUNHYUK SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED HIM IN!!!! STRAIGHT INTO THE STALL!!!! it's fine, he can rectify that mistake now by immediately opening the door to the bathroom because he was hovering outside this entire time, probably getting hit by all that warm air which also FOGS UP HIS STUPID GLASSES,
he immediately takes them off and sticks them in his pocket as he heads into the room proper to look at wherever the FCK LUKE IS. WHAT HAPPENED. DID HE FAINT]
It would probably be less concerning if the room was steamy hot like a normal relaxing shower ought to be, but it is not!! In fact, it's actually a little cold... and if he looks over at the shower, he will see that the glass isn't fogged up at all. It's hard to tell whether Luke's conscious or not; he's curled up in a ball in the corner of the shower, his head resting against the wall and his eyes squeezed shut. SAD PUPPY IN THE RAIN except he's not sad probably and also the rain is the shower, maybe that should be turned off,,,]
Eunhyuk does what he always does whenever his world is tilted on its axis, even when it's disintegrating beneath him. He keeps moving, the distance in this bathroom between him and Luke feels like it's leagues and leagues away, but somehow he gets there, puts his hand on the dial and turns the running water off, and then crouches down in the stall next to Luke, uncaring of the water soaking into his clothes,
he puts a now warm hand against Luke's forehead, both to rouse him and to check his temperature,]
Luke. Can you hear me?
[his heart thuds beneath his ribs, but he seems outwardly calm, even as he gently slides his hand against the back of Luke's skull, checking for bumps.]
Eunhyuk can turn the water off--icy cold, since he can feel that now--and, once he's close enough, he'll probably see that Luke's shivering a little, which, duh. His temperature feels exactly how you'd expect from someone who's been in a cold shower, though fortunately there's no blood or bumps or anything to indicate he fell. In fact, his eyes flutter open as the water turns off, though he doesn't fight it as Eunhyuk presses a warm hand to his forehead.]
Eunhyuk--? [He starts to say something else, but then he hisses, clutching at his side and curling into himself a little more.
[The flare of relief at the lack of bumps and blood is immediately snuffed out by what Luke says next, cold certainty settling in its place as Eunhyuk leaves to retrieve the pill case and a glass of water.
He pops it open as he returns with haste, pressing the pills into Luke's hand.]
Here.
[and the glass of water too -- don't just dry swallow these pills LUKE]
[Yeah he was definitely just going to dry swallow them--in fact, he still does in his haste to down them, but he'll at least take the glass with a shaking hand after. He doesn't sip at it so much as he presses the rim of it to his mouth and tries to force his breathing to stabilize, but. It's something.]
Thanks. [His voice is little raspy when he speaks, his gaze on the floor.] ...Sorry.
[He should've known Eunhyuk would worry, should've been faster, should've tried harder--]
[Luke looks at the floor and Eunhyuk looks at him, at the way he holds the glass and doesn't drink any water. He can hear the trickle of water from the shower head, dripping onto the tile, the rasp in Luke's voice.
This is hardly the time or place to continue this conversation, not when the room is so cold and Luke is naked. and yet,]
What are you apologizing for?
[for being late? for not telling Eunhyuk? or for just worrying him in the first place?]
[Luke doesn't answer right away--he doesn't acknowledge Eunhyuk at all, to the point where it might seem like he didn't hear the question. But eventually, softly, though not soft enough to obscure his reluctance to speak:]
...Thought I had it.
[That it was under control, at least enough to slip away for a little bit and cobble his facade back together. For all his stubbornness, he wouldn't have left unsupervised if he'd truly thought he couldn't make it, because passing out and banging his head on the shower wall is an idiotic way to die.]
I didn't think the [...] painkillers would wear off until I was done.
[...It's a very Luke-like answer. As ever, the expression on Eunhyuk's face doesn't change, even if he feels his chest squeeze.
Eunhyuk reaches out to take the glass and set it aside, then gently wraps the towel he'd carried inside with him around Luke, as if it can ward off the frigid chill from the shower,]
You don't have to be sorry for that. [...] You don't have to keep it from me either.
[He lets Eunhyuk pull the glass out of his hand, his grip somehow loose and stiff at the same time. He tenses slightly when Eunhyuk reaches for him, but he doesn't flinch back or try to push him away. Instead, he stays very still--only once Eunhyuk's draped the towel over him does he finally lose a tiny bit of tension, slumping over to lean against Eunhyuk's chest.
I'm sorry is on the tip of his tongue again, this time for hiding it--or, more accurately, for getting caught. He's tried to be more honest since they started this, but that's so much easier when it comes to things like talking about his love, or even sharing stories of his past. But he can't shake off the part of himself that never wants his loved ones to worry, the part that's so convinced showing signs of weakness is an unforgivable misstep.
And it's stupid, he knows. Eunhyuk already knows he's ill, so it's not like an episode like this would've come as a shock. They're both well aware that getting cured is an unsteady process. And most importantly, Luke has full faith in Scien's ability to figure out what Aaron couldn't. He's still anxious about the guillotine blade resting against his neck, but this time he's got failsafe after failsafe, and the promise of a godlike genius to rely on. He's no longer fixated on the certainty of his death the way he used to be.
But even so--this is a type of vulnerability Luke still hates to show. And he can't help but take it as a failure.
He knows Eunhyuk doesn't want to hear more apologies. But he doesn't want to try and struggle through an explanation of his thoughts: that he did have to keep it from him, actually, because he doesn't know how to do anything else, and even though he's trying to be more open, he loves Eunhyuk too much to subject him to this kind of worry,
He doesn't have the energy to say all of that, especially when his body still aches from the fading pain. So instead, he keeps his voice soft, pushing down the bitterness he feels.]
[Eunhyuk wants to argue, but the way Luke slumps against him and the muted quality of his voice convinces him not to -- at least for now. He wraps his arms around Luke instead, a loose circle of an embrace instead of a tight hug, mindful of the exhaustion Luke must feel, especially after a day like this one. It's why he doesn't usher Luke up right away, wrap him in something warmer than just a damp towel and his arms. It's why his reply is soft in return, instead of unhappy,]
I want to.
[What he wants to say is that worry is such an intrinsic part of him, his life, how he expresses his stilted affections for the people he loves, and he doesn't know who he is without it. What can he offer Luke and Eunyoo if not this? How else can he convey that he's only ever thinking of them? This habit of his that can be so suffocating and cloying to deal with. He can't fault Luke for trying to avoid the subject,]
[It's not like it's the first time Eunhyuk's said such things, but hearing it now makes him turn his face further into Eunhyuk's body, hiding the way his mouth twists unhappily.]
I know.
[And he loves knowing, even if he can hardly believe it some days, so certain that he doesn't deserve all of Eunhyuk's patience and affection, that one day Eunhyuk will wake up and realize the same--but right now, it only makes him feel even more guilty and miserable, knowing he's hurt Eunhyuk, that he's still hurting him by failing to promise his honesty and openness in the future.
It feels like a pitiful gesture, but he lifts a hand, curling his fingers loosely over Eunhyuk's arm. He breathes in, slow and shaky, and some of the tension bleeds out of him when he isn't instantly wracked with pain again.]
...I'm still sorry.
[That he's putting through Eunhyuk through this--making him watch on the sidelines as Luke stubbornly fights off the poison inside him in the most mundane and tedious way, out of some awful blend of pride, loyalty, and paranoia.]
[He can't see Luke's expression like this, but he can read him in other ways -- the pitch of his voice, the grip of his hand, the way Luke breathes in and out, in and out. Eunhyuk breathes with him, rubbing a slow circle across his back. It's the least he can do, and maybe it's the only thing. But he's come to terms with it, that the person who'll save Luke, really help him, is someone else.
For now, he presses a kiss to the top of Luke's head,]
...Thank you. [...] For always thinking of me.
[Even if it's not necessarily in the ways Eunhyuk would prefer to be thought of. But just being thought of at all is a kindness, a rarity.]
I'll do better too. I won't let you carry it alone.
[the way this sounds so sweet when it's a promise to nag Luke even more in the future]
[It's definitely a promise to nag--but Luke can't be angry, not when this is his love language, too. He's still lying even now, and he still wants to run away, to hide until he can face Eunhyuk with a steady smile again. But he knows, even without Eunhyuk saying it, that Eunhyuk doesn't want that. Rosa doesn't, either. They're too alike that way, these people that Luke can't help but love.
If their positions were reversed, he'd be treating Eunhyuk a thousand times worse than Eunhyuk has treated him. Eunhyuk has been so patient, so trusting, despite how terrible it must be to watch Luke stubbornly struggle through this. He's so much stronger than Luke is, in so many ways--if Luke wasn't so exhausted, he'd say as much.
But he can't leave it like this. Not when he's made Eunhyuk think he failed in some way. This is entirely Luke's fault, and the only thing keeping the guilt and shame at bay is the steady pressure of Eunhyuk's hand on his back.]
...
[Through sheer force of will, he musters up the strength to shift, trying to get to his feet. It's probably dangerous to do this on the wet bathroom floor, but Luke doesn't care; he does, however, lean into Eunhyuk a little more than he normally would, going against every natural instinct and forcing himself to keep his guard down. He has to give Eunhyuk his honesty. Now, while he's still weak enough to talk himself into it. Once he starts feeling better, he'll lose the nerve. He knows himself well enough for that.]
[Eunhyuk doesn't whisk Luke off his feet -- even though he's sorely tempted to, because he can tell that this is Luke trying, and he doesn't want to make Luke feel like an invalid -- instead he keeps himself steady as Luke gets to his feet, and then makes for the bathroom door, heading straight to their room. He helps Luke maneuver onto the bed first, then brings him a bathrobe from the dresser, pulling the wrapper around him. They've gone to bed naked before, but Eunhyuk can still feel the chill from the shower, and he's never been the type to take chances.
His expression is calm, but his hands keep busy as he runs the towel through Luke's hair, careful not to ruffle too hard, but with just enough pressure to squeeze any excess water out. He'll let Luke take over if he tries, but for now Eunhyuk keeps quiet, focused on trying to make Luke comfortable in what little ways he can.
Maybe he'd be more comfortable if Eunhyuk looked away, or pretended that he doesn't see, but for all of a gifted liar Eunhyuk is, he doesn't want to exude that kind of indifference in front of Luke -- never for Luke. Even if Luke might prefer it.]
[Luke is trying--and so is Eunhyuk. Luke can tell that much, even in the state he's in. It's so incredibly shameful, needing any support whatsoever--the fact that Eunhyuk isn't ignoring his stubbornness and carrying him to bed, the fact that he so patiently helps Luke get there on his own, it isn't lost on Luke. The care and respect would be touching, if Luke wasn't so caught up in his dark, miserable thoughts; as it stands, it's barely enough for Luke to let Eunhyuk dress him, slowly and awkwardly lifting his arms so that Eunhyuk can bundle him up in the robe.
He sits in silence as Eunhyuk dries his hair; if there's anything notable in Eunhyuk's quiet, he doesn't notice it, too caught up in his own thoughts. He keeps his hands in his lap, but he's stiff with discomfort; whatever pills he took in the bathroom were very clearly emergency stop-gaps, rather than any kind of genuinely effective curative. Technically, Luke does have other things he could take right now, a whole row of little bottles tucked away inside the medicine cabinet--but he doesn't ask Eunhyuk to grab anything for him. And while Luke is definitely an idiot in a lot of ways, he typically doesn't try and tough out attacks, preferring instead to take risks with his various medicines for even the slightest chance at normalcy. A part of him thinks that Eunhyuk would simply say no if he asked for more, that he'd insist on calling Aaron (or worse, Scien) if Luke took more medicine without telling him anything--but the rest of him is simply... tired. Tired, and distracted, and hurting. He doesn't want play with fire, with suspicious injections or Reliver-made pills that he'd never actually described to Eunyhuk in detail. He just wants to lay down and cling to Eunhyuk until he falls back asleep, and he is so, so sick of losing hours, days, because his body won't cooperate.
Eunhyuk has to slow down eventually; once he does, Luke takes a moment to lean against him, drawing support from his presence. Love is the one thing that has always given Luke strength, and he clings to it now. He thinks of how delightfully warm Eunhyuk feels now, even if it's just a normal human body temperature. He thinks of how thin and malnourished Eunhyuk and Eunyoo had both been when they'd first moved to Stellis, and how healthy and solid he feels now. Most of all, he thinks about how much he doesn't want to lose this--how he so desperately wants to keep the promise he'd made back on the ship, when he'd said, "I'll choose to live."
Rosa, he'd once thought, could move on without him. If he never told her any of his truths, if he watched her find happiness with someone else, and let her believe he'd died on the battlefield... she would mourn, but eventually, she'd be alright. She'd never needed him the way he needed her, after all. But Eunhyuk? Eunyoo? Luke's the one who dragged them here, away from everything they'd ever known. He's the one who ensconced them in Stellis, offering them the double-edged sword of safety and codependency. Luke did, of course, make emergency plans for them, and there's nothing stopping them from going elsewhere if they really needed to--but Luke knows that that's so much easier than it sounds. He can't force them to uproot the lives they've just begun to build, all because he was too stubborn to ask for help at a critical juncture.
He can't leave Eunhyuk behind. Not like this.]
...Drawer. [He speaks, finally, once it seems like Eunhyuk might be done fussing. His voice is soft, and he can't quite keep the bitter exhaustion out of his tone, but he tries as hard as he can. He lifts a hand, gesturing very loosely towards the beside table--letting Eunhyuk do something for him, even though Luke thinks he could probably manage it himself. He knows how important it is to feel helpful at times like this.] There's a--box. A small black one.
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yeah kill him
Just kidding. But there is a delay--longer than usual.]
Sorry
Got distracted talking to Dahut
STOP
if it takes too long then he'll really head to the island of otome himself? he's giving Luke ten more minutes -- maybe five actually,]
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Back in a few ❤️
[RELAX... IT'S PROBABLY FINE... it's definitely not Luke reassuring him in order to keep Eunhyuk out of Arpechele for various reasons,,,
"A few" turns out to be a little longer than 10 minutes--but eventually, the familiar soft light does fill the room, right in the same spot as always. HE'S BACK ARE YOU HAPPY NOW]
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Eunhyuk waits for Luke to appear, immediately closing the distance between them to —- hug him? Hold him? Do something else to make it obvious how worried he was the whole time? Luckily for him, Peanut cuts in with a chirp, flying over to settle on Luke’s shoulder.
He takes his cue, reaching out to hold Luke’s hand,]
Welcome back.
[at the same time he immediately looks Luke over, because genius technology or not, tests can still be draining, especially since Luke was there for SO LONG]
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Once he looks back at Eunhyuk, he glances down at their hands, very briefly--then, he curls his fingers over Eunhyuk's to squeeze his hand, and smiles.]
I'm home. Sorry I'm late. [He leans in to press a quick kiss to the corner of Eunhyuk's mouth, then looks down, pulling his hand away as he eases his shoes off.] I'm going to take a shower.
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He understands the same moment when Luke pulls his hand away, the realization rooting him in place as Luke goes about taking his shoes off and maybe his jacket, until finally he moves too, following him across the room.]
I can run you a bath instead.
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Whatever the reason, he doesn't seem aware of Eunhyuk's unease. He just shakes his head, hanging up his coat and heading towards the bathroom.]
No, that's okay. [He smiles again, glancing at Eunhyuk before his gaze skitters away.] I want to make it quick.
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Alright.
[Luke can shower.......... for now......... and if Eunhyuk looks a little forlorn then no he doesn't, that's just a trick of the lighting.
meanwhile, he'll wait for Luke to finish while in the living room with an extra towel... and also the hair dryer, and also dinner. just normal fussy things Eunhyuk would do even if Luke had returned on time! yeah!]
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...Except that some time passes, and he doesn't come out? The shower is clearly still running, which is unusual, given that Luke hasn't shaken the habit of extremely quick showers that he developed at the capital. But it's probably fine, it's not like there was a loud crash or a thud or anything!!]
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he immediately takes them off and sticks them in his pocket as he heads into the room proper to look at wherever the FCK LUKE IS. WHAT HAPPENED. DID HE FAINT]
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It would probably be less concerning if the room was steamy hot like a normal relaxing shower ought to be, but it is not!! In fact, it's actually a little cold... and if he looks over at the shower, he will see that the glass isn't fogged up at all. It's hard to tell whether Luke's conscious or not; he's curled up in a ball in the corner of the shower, his head resting against the wall and his eyes squeezed shut. SAD PUPPY IN THE RAIN except he's not sad probably and also the rain is the shower, maybe that should be turned off,,,]
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Eunhyuk does what he always does whenever his world is tilted on its axis, even when it's disintegrating beneath him. He keeps moving, the distance in this bathroom between him and Luke feels like it's leagues and leagues away, but somehow he gets there, puts his hand on the dial and turns the running water off, and then crouches down in the stall next to Luke, uncaring of the water soaking into his clothes,
he puts a now warm hand against Luke's forehead, both to rouse him and to check his temperature,]
Luke. Can you hear me?
[his heart thuds beneath his ribs, but he seems outwardly calm, even as he gently slides his hand against the back of Luke's skull, checking for bumps.]
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Eunhyuk can turn the water off--icy cold, since he can feel that now--and, once he's close enough, he'll probably see that Luke's shivering a little, which, duh. His temperature feels exactly how you'd expect from someone who's been in a cold shower, though fortunately there's no blood or bumps or anything to indicate he fell. In fact, his eyes flutter open as the water turns off, though he doesn't fight it as Eunhyuk presses a warm hand to his forehead.]
Eunhyuk--? [He starts to say something else, but then he hisses, clutching at his side and curling into himself a little more.
Through gritted teeth--] Pills-- jacket--
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He pops it open as he returns with haste, pressing the pills into Luke's hand.]
Here.
[and the glass of water too -- don't just dry swallow these pills LUKE]
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Thanks. [His voice is little raspy when he speaks, his gaze on the floor.] ...Sorry.
[He should've known Eunhyuk would worry, should've been faster, should've tried harder--]
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This is hardly the time or place to continue this conversation, not when the room is so cold and Luke is naked. and yet,]
What are you apologizing for?
[for being late? for not telling Eunhyuk? or for just worrying him in the first place?]
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...Thought I had it.
[That it was under control, at least enough to slip away for a little bit and cobble his facade back together. For all his stubbornness, he wouldn't have left unsupervised if he'd truly thought he couldn't make it, because passing out and banging his head on the shower wall is an idiotic way to die.]
I didn't think the [...] painkillers would wear off until I was done.
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Eunhyuk reaches out to take the glass and set it aside, then gently wraps the towel he'd carried inside with him around Luke, as if it can ward off the frigid chill from the shower,]
You don't have to be sorry for that. [...] You don't have to keep it from me either.
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I'm sorry is on the tip of his tongue again, this time for hiding it--or, more accurately, for getting caught. He's tried to be more honest since they started this, but that's so much easier when it comes to things like talking about his love, or even sharing stories of his past. But he can't shake off the part of himself that never wants his loved ones to worry, the part that's so convinced showing signs of weakness is an unforgivable misstep.
And it's stupid, he knows. Eunhyuk already knows he's ill, so it's not like an episode like this would've come as a shock. They're both well aware that getting cured is an unsteady process. And most importantly, Luke has full faith in Scien's ability to figure out what Aaron couldn't. He's still anxious about the guillotine blade resting against his neck, but this time he's got failsafe after failsafe, and the promise of a godlike genius to rely on. He's no longer fixated on the certainty of his death the way he used to be.
But even so--this is a type of vulnerability Luke still hates to show. And he can't help but take it as a failure.
He knows Eunhyuk doesn't want to hear more apologies. But he doesn't want to try and struggle through an explanation of his thoughts: that he did have to keep it from him, actually, because he doesn't know how to do anything else, and even though he's trying to be more open, he loves Eunhyuk too much to subject him to this kind of worry,
He doesn't have the energy to say all of that, especially when his body still aches from the fading pain. So instead, he keeps his voice soft, pushing down the bitterness he feels.]
I didn't want you to worry.
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I want to.
[What he wants to say is that worry is such an intrinsic part of him, his life, how he expresses his stilted affections for the people he loves, and he doesn't know who he is without it. What can he offer Luke and Eunyoo if not this? How else can he convey that he's only ever thinking of them? This habit of his that can be so suffocating and cloying to deal with. He can't fault Luke for trying to avoid the subject,]
Because you matter to me.
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I know.
[And he loves knowing, even if he can hardly believe it some days, so certain that he doesn't deserve all of Eunhyuk's patience and affection, that one day Eunhyuk will wake up and realize the same--but right now, it only makes him feel even more guilty and miserable, knowing he's hurt Eunhyuk, that he's still hurting him by failing to promise his honesty and openness in the future.
It feels like a pitiful gesture, but he lifts a hand, curling his fingers loosely over Eunhyuk's arm. He breathes in, slow and shaky, and some of the tension bleeds out of him when he isn't instantly wracked with pain again.]
...I'm still sorry.
[That he's putting through Eunhyuk through this--making him watch on the sidelines as Luke stubbornly fights off the poison inside him in the most mundane and tedious way, out of some awful blend of pride, loyalty, and paranoia.]
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For now, he presses a kiss to the top of Luke's head,]
...Thank you. [...] For always thinking of me.
[Even if it's not necessarily in the ways Eunhyuk would prefer to be thought of. But just being thought of at all is a kindness, a rarity.]
I'll do better too. I won't let you carry it alone.
[the way this sounds so sweet when it's a promise to nag Luke even more in the future]
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If their positions were reversed, he'd be treating Eunhyuk a thousand times worse than Eunhyuk has treated him. Eunhyuk has been so patient, so trusting, despite how terrible it must be to watch Luke stubbornly struggle through this. He's so much stronger than Luke is, in so many ways--if Luke wasn't so exhausted, he'd say as much.
But he can't leave it like this. Not when he's made Eunhyuk think he failed in some way. This is entirely Luke's fault, and the only thing keeping the guilt and shame at bay is the steady pressure of Eunhyuk's hand on his back.]
...
[Through sheer force of will, he musters up the strength to shift, trying to get to his feet. It's probably dangerous to do this on the wet bathroom floor, but Luke doesn't care; he does, however, lean into Eunhyuk a little more than he normally would, going against every natural instinct and forcing himself to keep his guard down. He has to give Eunhyuk his honesty. Now, while he's still weak enough to talk himself into it. Once he starts feeling better, he'll lose the nerve. He knows himself well enough for that.]
...Bed. Please.
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His expression is calm, but his hands keep busy as he runs the towel through Luke's hair, careful not to ruffle too hard, but with just enough pressure to squeeze any excess water out. He'll let Luke take over if he tries, but for now Eunhyuk keeps quiet, focused on trying to make Luke comfortable in what little ways he can.
Maybe he'd be more comfortable if Eunhyuk looked away, or pretended that he doesn't see, but for all of a gifted liar Eunhyuk is, he doesn't want to exude that kind of indifference in front of Luke -- never for Luke. Even if Luke might prefer it.]
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He sits in silence as Eunhyuk dries his hair; if there's anything notable in Eunhyuk's quiet, he doesn't notice it, too caught up in his own thoughts. He keeps his hands in his lap, but he's stiff with discomfort; whatever pills he took in the bathroom were very clearly emergency stop-gaps, rather than any kind of genuinely effective curative. Technically, Luke does have other things he could take right now, a whole row of little bottles tucked away inside the medicine cabinet--but he doesn't ask Eunhyuk to grab anything for him. And while Luke is definitely an idiot in a lot of ways, he typically doesn't try and tough out attacks, preferring instead to take risks with his various medicines for even the slightest chance at normalcy. A part of him thinks that Eunhyuk would simply say no if he asked for more, that he'd insist on calling Aaron (or worse, Scien) if Luke took more medicine without telling him anything--but the rest of him is simply... tired. Tired, and distracted, and hurting. He doesn't want play with fire, with suspicious injections or Reliver-made pills that he'd never actually described to Eunyhuk in detail. He just wants to lay down and cling to Eunhyuk until he falls back asleep, and he is so, so sick of losing hours, days, because his body won't cooperate.
Eunhyuk has to slow down eventually; once he does, Luke takes a moment to lean against him, drawing support from his presence. Love is the one thing that has always given Luke strength, and he clings to it now. He thinks of how delightfully warm Eunhyuk feels now, even if it's just a normal human body temperature. He thinks of how thin and malnourished Eunhyuk and Eunyoo had both been when they'd first moved to Stellis, and how healthy and solid he feels now. Most of all, he thinks about how much he doesn't want to lose this--how he so desperately wants to keep the promise he'd made back on the ship, when he'd said, "I'll choose to live."
Rosa, he'd once thought, could move on without him. If he never told her any of his truths, if he watched her find happiness with someone else, and let her believe he'd died on the battlefield... she would mourn, but eventually, she'd be alright. She'd never needed him the way he needed her, after all. But Eunhyuk? Eunyoo? Luke's the one who dragged them here, away from everything they'd ever known. He's the one who ensconced them in Stellis, offering them the double-edged sword of safety and codependency. Luke did, of course, make emergency plans for them, and there's nothing stopping them from going elsewhere if they really needed to--but Luke knows that that's so much easier than it sounds. He can't force them to uproot the lives they've just begun to build, all because he was too stubborn to ask for help at a critical juncture.
He can't leave Eunhyuk behind. Not like this.]
...Drawer. [He speaks, finally, once it seems like Eunhyuk might be done fussing. His voice is soft, and he can't quite keep the bitter exhaustion out of his tone, but he tries as hard as he can. He lifts a hand, gesturing very loosely towards the beside table--letting Eunhyuk do something for him, even though Luke thinks he could probably manage it himself. He knows how important it is to feel helpful at times like this.] There's a--box. A small black one.
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